Diljner & Arrhythmia; the College Years

Ah Denny's, How I Love Thee

2005-03-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, Leafblower and I took a lofty trip over to the local Denny's, located on Gosford, not 2 miles from my house. Anyway, we get there and I wait to order our stuff since Leaf took his sweet time figuring out exactly what he wanted. Bastard. After we order, we talk a little bit and I start to get bored, so what do I do? I grabbed my napkin and asked Leaf if he had a pen. Sure enough, he did, and I proceeded to draw a picture that was in a perfect likeness of ourselves. As you can imagine, it was a masterpiece:

After I was done using my Picasso like skills, I showed the picture to Leaf and I couldn't have hoped for a better response. He started laughing his tiny little head off causing me to start laughing furiously.

Me "What do you think of the picture?" [Laughs]
Leaf "Oh, it's great! I glanced over...one of them looked like a palm tree. I guess that was you..."
Me "Did you notice the detail that I put in it? Look how I did your teeth."
Leaf "Is it just the front ones...?" [pause] "You mother fucker..." [He says this as he's laughing]

When he said this, we started laughing even harder, to the point to where I couldn't breathe. It was ridiculously funny to us, when someone else could have seen it and thought we were retarded children who escaped from an institution. Leaf didn't want me to get the last laugh on this one though, so he decided he would draw a picture of us as well.

Leaf "I can't draw as good as you, but I'm going to try..."
Me "What? I drew stick figures..."
Leaf "I know."
Me "I wasn't even trying to draw right there dude."
Leaf "Oh, well....that's still better than I can draw."

He was being serious.

If you can't tell, I'm on the right....

In the middle of drawing, I stopped him and said:

Me "You didn't give me one..." [Refering to a penis]
Leaf "Look, I can make you either a tranny or a woman..."
Me "TRANNY!! TRANNY!!"
Leaf "Tranny, huh..."

He then drew me a penis. I realized I looked like a girlscout with an extra little something that shouldn't be seen. It didn't offend me, in fact, it made me laugh like mad, but...it's just a little creepy that he drew it that way. I was also a tad confused on why he drew my face different than his.

Me "Why does your face look like that, but mine looks normal?"
Leaf "Look [Arrhythmia], I can't make my drawing PERFECT!"

He said perfect ...hahahha.

After this, we stole some napkins from another table and ate our fine Denny's food. It was grandoise. We shall do it again, and hopefully, we'll have another story.

Oh yea...Leaf mentioned 'El Burro' in his picture. For those of you who don't know, it means 'The Donkey'....hahahahahahaha...so gay...

MEvsMYSELF73: love the drawings
bLacK0psmAfiA: the first one, we thought, was the best
MEvsMYSELF73: yours?
bLacK0psmAfiA: yes
MEvsMYSELF73: they're both good...urs is simple and and his is creative
MEvsMYSELF73: both with the same message....
MEvsMYSELF73: u both have big egos
bLacK0psmAfiA: we're gay fags
MEvsMYSELF73: lol, jk
bLacK0psmAfiA: hahaha
MEvsMYSELF73: that too
bLacK0psmAfiA: lawlz

Make Computers Old People Proof

2005-02-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

Not only should old people not be allowed near computers...

...but should be destroyed in a hail of gunfire for our amusement.

I can almost guarantee that most of you would read that statement, laugh your ass to oblivion, and then agree wholeheartedly that it is true, very very fucking true. Let me ask you, how many of you have tried to help your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles get their computer to be more serving for "them?" I know I have, several fucking times. My grandfather was so computer illiterate, I had to help him figure out how to start the computer, yes, start the mother fucking thing. I swear, I've wanted to slap him in the back of the head so many times, but from fear of physical injury, [he's a strong guy] I hold back....just for him. This also reminds me of when I had to teach my grandmother how to use the computer. I don't know if God was taunting me that period of time or if I was just having a long string of bad luck, but Jesus, that was a pain in the ass. I'm not going into her experience though, it's too painful.

Just recently, I was teaching my grandfather, [let's call him Chuck], how to use a digital camera and upload pictures onto his little P.O.S. Compaq. This, you would assume, would be easy; you take pictures and plug a little cord into the computer's USB port and *KABLAM* you're already pretty much done. No. No no no. *sigh* ....I don't even know how to start this.... Alright, when he got the camera I told him to take some sample pictures so that he could get accustomed to how the camera worked.

Me "Okay grandpa, take a picture of the tv..."
Chuck "How??!!?"
Me "What the hell do you mean 'how?' It's like a regular camera..."
Chuck "What do I press to take a picture?!"
Me "Have you used a regular camera before?"
Chuck "Yes..."
Me "Well then, it'd be the same button as on a regular camera."
Chuck "Ohhhh! I got it!"
Me "Good, now take a picture..."
Chuck "Okay..." [he puts it up to his face to take it] "Hey! Why isn't it working!"
Me "What? What are you talking about..."

I look at the camera and realize that he's not pressing the button, he's just pointing it at the TV and waiting for it to take the picture itself.

Me "....Grandpa, you really suck."
Grandma [Marilyn] "Hahahahaha, Chuck, don't be stupid."
Me "You guys are dumbasses, I'll come back tomorrow."

And yes, I really said that to them. They've gotten used to me getting frustrated and calling them names. Now, I doubt this little incident right here would kill the whole 'help my grandparents' idea, but it was sure a contributing factor.

Another very aggitating time in my life occured about a week ago, when I visited my grandparents after not seeing them for about a week. I had walked in, grabbed some food, played with my dog and watched TV with the old ones. Chuck all of a sudden remembered that he had to ask me how to do something. Take note that he's working with Ebay...yet he can barely upload pictures...

Chuck "When I upload pictures onto Ebay, I can't see them because the 'My Pictures' folder is blocking my view."
Me "Then why don't you move the window...?"
Chuck "NO! I'm asking how to get to the upload button!"
Me [My face is showing confusion at his rambling] "Um, you move the window like this..." [I move the window] "And see....you can upload now?"
Chuck "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Me "What the hell are you talking about? I showed you how to do this over a week ago."
Chuck "You did?!"
Me "What kind of shit do you hear me say when I teach you this stuff? Or do you ignore whatever I say?"
Chuck "Lose the tone, boy."
Me "What? I have to lose my tone, yet I have to re-show you this shit over and over?! Get over yourself old man, unless you want to teach this shit to yourself?"

I proceed to show him how to do it and he seems to be in awe, like someone just showed him the Holy Grail or some shit. Christ, I don't know what's worse, re-teaching him everything that I taught him five minutes prior or being stabbed in the face.

I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and all other older generation people living in my family, but the majority of them are dumbasses when it comes to electronics. I say we either have a ban on people over the age of 50 buying electronic equipment or we create a new type of software that anytime it detects the incompetancy of an old person using a computer, it gives them a nice jolt of electricity through the keyboard, let's say 10,000 volts. Yea, that ought to get their attention.

I found some related statements on the internet and I think they are quite true:

SomeNiggar "Call this an unfair generalization, but old people are no good at everything."

I can call this a very safe assumption.

By: curse on 12/14/2004 12:24:07 AM
My mom just got e-mail so I get ALL of those lovely forwards/chain mails...*

*Courtesy of your local Lambgoat.com

Don'tcha just LOVE family?!

....

ABloodDrain87: yeah, must be frustrating to explain [to] your grandpa [about] technology*
ABloodDrain87: lol
bLacK0psmAfiA: my god
bLacK0psmAfiA: i left out like a billion stories

*those mean they were added, she had bad grammar ;)

Holy Shit A New Post

2005-02-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, as I'm sure alot of you have noticed; we haven't had an update to the Leafblower Blog since December. I now have a bit of time to start writing posts again and I have a bit of 'The Trip' material I haven't thrown at you fucks yet. Well anyways, this is the story I have to post out of spite for my A-hole sister. It's not that I hate her or anything, it's just that I loathe her. She's become so clichè lately with her internet going's on and such. Don't get me wrong, I love my computer. I love the internet. I love playing World of Warcraft/Counter-Strike: Source. I love IM'ing my friends. But my sister [We'll call her E-ho] has taken it to a new low. She never goes out.... anywhere. When family comes to visit all she does is sit in her room in the dark typing to crater faced little highschool fags who talk about self mutilation and how bad god hates them all day. She walks around with a scowl on her face all day like life is so fucking hard for her... "DAMN BITCH!!! YOU GET THREE MEALS A FUCKING DAY!!!! YOU GET ANY/EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SCOWLING ABOUT??!!!" Well anyways, you've got a pretty basic impression of her personality thus far. The story begins....

I have two sisters... one of them is extremely cool. Nothing ever bothers her, and if it does she'd sooner punch you in the nipple than bitch and whine about it. [We'll call her Fluff] Fluff seems to implement the word 'nigga' into every conversation she has. It surprises me if she ends a sentence without the dreaded N word. Now, since E-ho and Fluff have such different personalities... They do not get along, at all. Fluff could kick E-ho's ass in a split second even though she's 3 years younger. She's 8 times meaner. So it never usually results in violence.

I'm at work the other day, just reading a magazine in my office when I get a phone call informing me that Fluff is going to come spend the weekend. "Tits!", I exclaim. I was pretty excited because Fluff and I always get some sick Counterstrike pwnage going. Well, I go to pick her up and when I arrive, she almost didn't get to come over because my Mother's husband likes to think he's Mr. Man of the house and shit. I almost pwned him this one day, but thats another story. Anyways, Fluff almost didn't get to come over at the last minute because she got in a fight with my Mom's Husband and called him a 'Niggar-Fluff'. She called the man a fucking Niggar-Fluff. [Thats where her surname is derived in case you were an idiot.] Well, by some smooth talking I managed to secure her release from the asshole brigade. We arrive back at the house and I start playing some World of Warcraft before dinner. "Whats that?", she says.
"Oh, this is World of Warcraft... the same people who made Starcraft made this game too."
"Can you make me a character?", she asked.
"Ummm, suuuuuuuurrreee."
So I roll her a character, and since I don't want to drag this out to be a 2 part story I'll just tell you that she got FUCKING ADDICTED. She wouldn't eat or sleep for 2 full days. She just played WoW the whole time. Well, since my computer was hi-jacked by that crack-hat Fluff... I decided to go hang out with Ms. Sarcasm. I should mention that my grandmother is at the house at this time. She's in her office, on her computer... addicted to a different form of internet activity... Ebay. So, E-ho is chatting to one of her pathetic ass boyfriends. Fluff is pwning the fuck out of any Horde that resist her might, and my grandmother is on Ebay. This is where the story gets interesting...

I go to the dryer to pull a shirt and a pair of jeans out [My usual evening attire.] when theres this black stringy thing stuck around my shirt. I'm like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I pull it off of my shirt and examine it more closely. It looks like a pirate's eye-patch. "Sweet!", I say. Then the realization hits me... This is most certainly NOT a pirate's eye-patch. This is without a doubt, the whorest... skankiest... 2 cent hooker Walmart panties I 've ever laid eyes on. I mean, calling them string would be a generous analogy. Then I look in the dryer and find a Smirnoff Ice bottle cap. "OOOOOOH, somebodies in trouble." My grandmother is very strict on E-ho when she's at home. But, she does let her hang out with these friends that I know smoke and drink and toke and fuck. But I don't say anything because we all experience that shit at one point or another and we all need to make our own mistakes. HOWEVER, tonight I was feeling in the mood for some entertainment. I take the so-called panties and the Smirnoff bottle cap into my grandmother's office. "Theres something you need to see." says I. I then produce the hooker attire and the beverage cap and my gramm's jaw dropped. Without saying a word to me.... "E-HO GET IN HERE NOW!!!!!!!!!" I stand back because this is just about like Jerry Springer shit gonna happen. And I don't mean the stupid ass new ones, I mean the old ones where they elbow dropped their cousin's neice's aunt for sleeping with your brother who is also your grandpa. [The fuck?] Anyways, as I watch, E-ho walks into the room. I run out to get Fluff so she can see this shit too. I mean, come on... how often does shit like this happen? She couldn't be budged from her level 14 Gnomish warrior. So, I run back into the office where the shit's going down... here's the conversation I heard....

E-ho "They're not mine! I swear to you! God, you never believe me!! Why doesn't anybody ever believe me??? You all hate me!!!"
Gramma "E-ho, whose are they then?"
E-ho "So, you believe me then?"
Gramma "I didn't say that, I asked whose they were."
E-ho "Maybe they're Fluff's! Yes, actually I think they are."

[Ooooh, such cunning, E-ho. You backstabbed your little sister so your gramma wouldn't find out that the whore panties actually belonged to YOU. 'Kudos' to you good sir.]

E-ho "Wait no! I think they're my friend Jessica's!!! Yes they're hers remember she spent the night recently!!!

At this point Fluff walks in with this disgusted look on her face. Apparently the only thing that could drag her away from her new addiction was pwning the fuck out of E-ho... and might I add... she did a superb job.

Fluff "I know, you did not blame those underwear on me, E-ho...."
Gramma "Fluff, are these your panties?
Fluff "I was with this nigga when she bought them! AND that aint the only pair!! She bought like 4 other pairs too at Walmart!!" [Yes, she really said nigga.]

E-ho's face turned beet red. Her face twisted into the most out-there display of anger and embarrassment I've ever seen.

Me "OH MY GOD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!! OH SNNNAAAAAPPP!!!!! OWNED!!!! HAHAHAHAHA.... ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS... WE HAVE A SPECIAL SKANK SALE GOING ON IN ISLE SKANK!!! SKANK PANTIES ONLY 2 SKANKY DOLLARS!! AFFORDABLE FOR ANY SKANK!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH"

Oh shit I'm seriously laughing so hard even now that I can barely type this. Well, the night dulled down after that. I went to Ms. Sarcasm's house and she made me dinner. What a beautiful night that was. Does shit like this happen to anybody else?

'I'm so back bitches.'

Diljner Pisses Off Net-Nerd

2004-12-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else ever get a shitload of stupid ass emails from so-called foreigners asking you to help them transfer a SHITLOAD of money from their *ahem* Swiss bank account due to some bullshit yadda-yadda? Well I get these on a regular basis on my Yahoo! account. They used to piss me off, but lately I've become somewhat sympathetic to these schmucks that actually sit around and write them. Here is an example of me being a good samaritan and trying to help some lowly fucking nerd get out get social and stop writing stupid fucking Bullshit email letters to me and everyone else.
His bogus fucking stupid chock-full of grammatical errors email to me...

PRIVATE AND URGENT.My name is MARTIN DARIUS, I am the credit manager in a bankhere in the United Kingdom. I am contacting you of a business transfer,of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that atransaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive andworried, but I am assuring you that everything has been taken care off, andall will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due tothe urgency of this transaction.PROPOSITION;I am the account officer of a foreigner named Gerald Welshwho died in an air crash along with his wife in 31st October 1999 anEgyptian airline 990 with other passengers on board. you can confirmthis from the website below from published by CNN.WEBSITE Since his death, none of his next-of-kin are alive to makeclaims for this money as his heir, because they all died in the sameaccident(May his soul rest in peace). We cannot release the fund fromhis account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to thedeceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. Upon this discovery, Inow seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to thedeceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me forthe funds (US$5,000,000.00) to be released in your favour as thebeneficiary's next of kin. It may interest you to know that we havesecured from the probate an order of mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this messagein acceptance of our mutual business endeavour by furnishingme with the following information if you are interested.1. A Beneficiary name?.In order for me to prepare thedocument for transfer of the funds in your name. 2. Direct Telephone and fax numbers??.For our personalcontact and mutual trust in each other. Upon your acceptance I shallsend you a copy of my international passport and drivers license formore confidentiality and trust.I shall be compensating you with a million dollars($1Million dollars) on final conclusion of this project for your assistance,while the balance $4 million dollars shall be for me for investmentpurposes. If this proposal is acceptable by you, please endeavor tocontact me immediately. Do not take undue advantage of the trust Ihave bestowed in you.I await your urgent mail to my personal email address: martindarius@jumpy.it for security reasonsBest Regards,MR. MARTIN DARIUS

Yeah, I was thinking it too when I read this shit... Anywho... to which I replied...

Dude,

Do you guys that sit around and write this shit up all day get paid for it? And for that matter, do you ever get laid? I mean... if I were a girl.. and a guy told me that he wrote bogus emails all day and thats how he pays the bills this pussy would be off-limits... know what I'm saying? I suggest, that you quit playing with your mouse and hit the local bar maybe? Seriously, I know your sex life is suffering. Another thing, if you do insist upon writing bogus emails all day, please do not send them to this email adress, you will probably get a response just like this one next time. So save your time... and your peter... go get laid... may the force be with you. -Diljner

To which he replied back.....

Fuck you.

Get a life folks... stop hogging my inbox with your filthy fake emails... they're making me soft.

Yea... Being Me Sucks Sometimes

2004-12-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

I know I've ranted a lot about bad drivers, but I am not dumbfounded that I have found yet another reason to bitch and complain about these terrible nuisances.

Now, yesterday I picked up the Leafblower to hang out with him a little bit and have him help me clean the house just a little bit. I gave him an option to do the laundry [just folding] or if he wanted to clean the kitchen. He opted for laundry and it ended up taking him an hour and a half to get that shit done. In the meantime, I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and my bedroom. Anyway, the day played out like usual, we went by the mall to play at the arcade, but it was a hellhole thanks to the Christmas Season, so it took forever to get a parking spot. Actually, besides playing KoF, we also went clothes shopping for me. Yea, I know, that's really weird, since I haven't really bought new clothes in close to a year. This is just all the shit we did that led up to me being super pissed at yet another Mexican driver.

Alright, the time is close to ten o'clock, I think, and I'm driving North on Gosford, heading towards Truxtun Avenue. I had asked Leaf earlier which way we should take home and gave him two options, he chose, and it ended up being the poorer of the two choices, resulting in a longer trip home. This time, I asked him if we should go down Truxtun or Rosedale, but this time, no matter what he said, I was going down Truxtun, it's just faster. So,I get into the left-hand right turn lane to manuever from Gosford [or Coffee Rd.] to Truxtun and I begin my turn next to this guy in a huge old van. You know the ones, built like tanks with the little ladder on the back...yea. Well, as I'm turning onto the two lane Truxtun, Leaf suddenly says, "Uh, [Arrhythmia]..." I look over and that big ass van that was turning next to me drifts half way into MY fucking lane and fucking sideswipes me. I am now in complete disbelief to what had just happened. Seeing my dispair, Leaf automatically tries to cheer me up.

Leaf "Dude, [Arrhythmia], I'm your witness! I'm your witness! He was totally in the wrong."
Me [Silence]
Leaf "Yea dude..."
Me "I guess this is your Christmas present to me, being my witness, oh yea, and the fact you weren't going to get me anything anyway." [He chuckles] "Plus you owe me for paying for your haircut today."
Leaf "I was going to grab your wheel, but I didn't think that would be a good idea."
Me "Yea, we didn't have anywhere to go anyway. If I turned to the left, I would have went head-on into traffic. Oh yea, if you would have touched my wheel, I would have given you the What the Fuck[?] speech."

I get the guy to pull over and I get out of my truck and realize that my passenger side-view mirror is completely ripped off. I send Leaf off to fetch it out of traffic [hahaha]. He brings it back and the mirror is no where to be found, so I am left with a big hunk of useless plastic. Right as Leaf returns to my car, the guy gets out of his armored tank and comes out to confront me. This guy was roughly mid 50s, possibly early 60s, Mexican, and seemingly very incompetant in the ways of the English language. He knew how to speak it, but I don't understand slurred Spanglish gibbering that well. Idiot. This guy gives me a baffled look and starts the conversation off like this:

IncompetentMexi "What were you doing?"
Me [When he says this, I am completely taken aback and opt for the sarcastic answer] "I was WATCHING you hit me..."
IncompetentMexi "Hrm..." [He gives me yet another idiotic look and I suspect he doesn't know what the fuck to do. I'm fucking 18 and have never been in an accident and I ask for his information first...what a cunt]
Me "Hrm? What do you mean 'hrm'? You hit me!"

He walked over to his van and looked at it to see if there was any damage done. He sorta scans it and then says some shit about how the front bumper over his wheel is "scratched." I failed to see a scratch, but it was pretty dark and I wasn't up for an investigating...I'll leave that up to his insurance company. He then walks over to my truck with me and we examine it together.

IncompetentMexi "I don't really see anything wrong with your truck."
Me [Calm and collected, yet really pissed off] "Um, well for one thing, my mirror was ripped off and um see those collections of giant [fucking] scratches? Yea, those weren't there a two minutes ago." [I then touch the side of my truck and the paint disintegrates off of the door and covers my hand....I showed the guy and he just shruged it off...Gah, this guy is a total mother fucker]
IncompetentMexi "I really don't see much damage done."
Me [God smite his retarded ass for me...please? I then look at him in disbelief...fucktard *sigh*]

Leaf then comes up to me and comments on how I'm really calm about all of this and seemed weirded out by it. I asked him why and he said that he would be freaking if this happened to him, oh yea, and that I'm normally a spaz. Go figure. I then proceed to get this guy's information and somehow, I don't get his insurance information. I am a fucking moron...a COMPLETE fucking moron. I eventually got it about an hour later after calling like seven different numbers [this guy had terrible, terrible fucking handwriting. He blamed it on the darkness when he was writing, I blame it on the fact that he's a dumbshit].

We finally complete all of our shit and head off. I continue my way to Ms. Sarcasm's house [that's where we were headed in the first place] and once I get there, I called my parents. Yea, bad move, very bad move. Let's just say I got chewed out to the fucking highest degree. I then spend thirty minutes of my time calling this douche to get his insurance information. When this is done, I spend another hour and a half talking to his insurance company. Let this be a warning to all of you. Watch how you drive, accidents are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more trouble than they are worth. After this time, Ms. Sarcasm tells her mother what went down and she goes all apeshit and decides to take me on a tour of the neighborhoods to find this guy's house so I could get his license plate information. She is...how do I say this....she drives like a gremlin would with ADD, hyped up on PCP, and having drank about seven or eight Monser Energy Drinks. This is only one reason why I don't drive with other people. After we did our investigation and I got to almost hop a fence to get that shit, we went home and I got to deal with all the shit at home. It wasn't all that bad...and I got to go to Diljner's to have a LAN party. That story will come later. I'll actually post the pictures of the damage to my truck in like a week, so I can get the film developed.

GOD DAMN I HATE OLD MEXICAN DRIVERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH. I WISH I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MY CAR AND RAMMED HIS FUCKING VAN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER....NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMAGE DONE TO MY TRUCK. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ANGER....GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I SHOULD PETITION THIS SHIT AND BAN THESE FUCKERS FROM THE ROAD....*breathes*

Okay, I'm done...

Stupid incompetent Mexican bastard...ruined my truck...

Super Fuck-Ups

2004-12-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the huuuuge delay in entries, I know how my adoring fan base can't continue existence without my brilliant stories. Yes, I am egomaniacal and I never plan on changing.

Anyway, this story is dedicated to the wonderful people at Supercuts. Oh, wait, did I say wonderful? I meant to say totally fucking stupid niggers who, even with a diploma from their "Academy for Cutting Hair Like Shit", can't seem to give a decent haircut, no where, no how. It just gets my juices flowing whenever I get a shitastic haircut from a place I pay fucking fourteen dollars to go. If I was expecting to get a piss poor cut at discounted prices, I would have gone to the Mod Hatter in the mall and gotten something from either the geriatrics that work there or the Latina whores.

I will actually get into my story now, since, I have already blown enough steam to power a fucking diesel engine going cross country. So, as I was saying, I get into this place and they take my name and I sit, expecting a thirty minute wait. As I'm sitting, some lady and her kid are sitting next to me discussing how he didn't do his homework and how he watched television all day. My parents and grandparents forced me to do homework right after school and look at me now, I'm still a major screw up in school. This kid was headed to being a fucked up middle-schooler experimenting with LSD or whatnot. I know I'm being a tad overzealous on my analysis, but kids nowadays are fucktards, so sue me. Anyway, I'm beginning to laugh, not only at his mother's extreme lack of discipline over her child, but the comments he's throwing back at her. At one time he mentions Cartoon Network and I immediately think of Adult Swim. I begin to laugh and she notices, looks over at me and the first words out of my mouth are "Cartoon Network ALL THE WAY!!!" Yea, this just solidifies that I'm a complete geek with no chance in Hell of ever getting a girlfriend....ever. After this, I talk to the mother a bit, rehash thoughts of my childhood, tell her how fucked up the teachers were with homework and how he seems to have it a little easier [don't ask why, I just felt that way at the time] and how it only gets worse. I could tell by her eyes she seemed....disappointed in the fact that her child was going to be challenged in the future. Oh well, if you have stupid children, you reap what you fucking sow.

Eventually, my name was called and a sigh of relief swept over me, for I felt I was in the clear. I couldn't have been more fucking wrong. I was in for some major torture, as it may seem, because the woman cutting my hair was as dense as a six-foot thick wall of mortar. I begin our encounter like so...

Me "I would like you to cut my sideburns a little shorter and blend them into my hair as it is now. [Lifts up hair covering half of sideburns] I have bald spots right here, [I'm blonde, so I have them] and I need you to blend them well enough not to show them."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh, I remember you. We did this to you a while back." [And they did a damn better job then too]
Me "Also, the back is a little long. Can you cut off like one-third of an inch so it doesn't look all mullet-y, that way I can keep the flip. Oh, and one more thing, the top is a little long, can you clean it up, not cut it, but clean it up?"
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Sure."

She starts off by going after my sideburns. All seems well at first, but all she did was make them not stick out so much, she didn't even fucking try to blend. Then, after like two seconds of work there, she goes after the back of my hair. I'm already in "What the Fuck" land and am hoping that this was going to, in some way, fit in with the scheme of my sideburns. I watch in horror as she surpasses the one-third margin I had given her not two minutes ago and start ruining my hairs beautiful shit; yes, I said beautiful. So, I'm already at a massive loss for words and my hair is taking damage like a nub in Counter-Strike. There is a sudden shift in the woman's movement, she moves from the back of my head, straight up to the front. Now, remember how I asked her to "clean up the front, but not cut," well that thought was shot to Fucktown. As I watch her grab my hair, I almost immediately knew what was in store. She grabs my hair, not a casual quarter inch just for clean up, but she grabs the massive half fucking inch. My hair was at my fucking eyes when she started, it was soon relocated to my forehead. Jesus Christ Almighty, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

My night was officially ruined there, I had gone in, expecting a casual clean-up and blend job, but by the time she was cutting my bangs, it became much more horrid. So, as my hair is cut to forehead length, I notice her start cutting the top of my head as well. I thought she was taking an awful lot off...just to blend. Damn. This made me ten different kinds of sad. I thought the worst was over, but to my dismay, I was wrong.

StupidHaircuttingBitch "So, does that look good to you?" [As she flips my hair a bit to let it settle]
Me "Uhhhhhhhh..." [Points] "This side is a little longer than that side..."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh! That's because you have a cowlick, let me fix that."

Let me get this fucking straight, it's because i have a COWLICK?! How does that even EXCUSE the fact that one side of my face had hair a half inch longer than the other side, yet you thought it looked good? And the fact that she blamed it on the cowlick...I have one on both sides, she cut one side already....your argument has been deemed "invalid" by the idiot police. Good day.

If there as such a time to slap your forehead because of extreme stupidity, now would be the time.

After correcting her obvious mistake, she was STILL not done. Apparently, she wanted to finish the job in the back, as if she hadn't already pissed me off enough that night... She grabs the clippers and starts like gently "brushing" the back so that my hair "wouldn't flip anymore." GAHHHH!! What the fuck, bitch?! DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TEN MINUTES PRIOR THAT I LIKED THE FLIP?!!?! GAHMOTHERFUCKERIWANTTOCHOKEYOU!!!! *Sigh* I was done. Emotionally drained and thoroughly pissed off, I had given up any hope of having a decent cut.

This story has already gone long enough, and you know what, it's still not over. After she does her shit to the back of my head, she starts aiming for the sideburns. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So she starts cutting, and I notice she's cutting awfully crooked, but don't bother thinking of it anymore cause my hair already looked fucked up. She then brushes me off with her horsehair thing and sends me on my way. I say "thank you" and tip her, being the polite bastard that I am, and go on my way home. I keep looking in my rear-view mirror because something is totally amiss in the whole scheme of things, but I can't put my finger on it. When I arrive home, this conversation drops:

Me "Mom, I'm back from my haircut..."
MotherDear "Let me see."
Me "It looks shitty, but okay..." [Takes off hat]
MotherDear "Yea, I don't like your haircut..."

That's her way of telling me that it looks like shit...

I go into my bathroom and take a shower, the hair that's all over me is getting on my nerves. After I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and am totally fucking horrified. My sideburns, that I thought were barely touched by that whore at Supercuts, were terribly misshapen and were cut at weird angles. On the left side, the blending is fine, but she like layered my sideburn to have two different like "thicknesses," thin and normal....God.... On the right side, the blending is cut at an angle so you can see the bald spot... in fact, there is no blending, she just plain fucked up. In fact, she did such a horrible job, I had to shave some of my sideburns off for them to look somewhat normal again....

For now on, I'm going to my mom's beautician or some shit. They get paid well and they know better than to fuck up my hair....or I'll go super-nazi on their ass....GRRRRR...

Conversation of the Day:
Me "Hello sir, how're you guys doing today?"
Customer "Good- [As he's handing me the Alexander tickets] YOU HAVE OCEAN'S TWELVE?! FUCK THAT!!!"
Me "You can refund your tickets up there sir..." [Points to box office]

Diljner Ruins LittleBastard's Week

2004-12-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

Ah, another story from Diljner’s office. This little tale takes place about a work-week ago. I’m not having a very good day. My head hurts, back is aching, and I’m stuck smack dab in the middle of a pre-construction meeting between some clients of ours and our field superintendent. As if the meeting taking place wasn’t stressful enough, the people decide that it’s the best fucking idea in the world to bring their 7 year old child along with them. This little bastard is horrible. He’s always running around and banging on the piano when I tell him not to, and opening the employee refrigerator and drinking my Cokes. So you can imagine the joy in my heart when I see his little pig face. Well, the meeting is dragging on, and I decide that my presence is not further required in that section of the house, so I take my leave. The little shit is running around the house, jumping on furniture and banging on the piano. I politely ask him to stop being a little fuck. He seems to actually acknowledge me for once. He sits down and I put on Pirates of the Caribbean for him to watch. I then go out into my office and sigh when I see the amount of paper work that has stacked up over the past week. I decide to put it off for a bit longer… [I’m a slacker] Anyways, I walk back into the house and notice that LittleBastard isn’t where I left him. I look around for him for a few minutes. I find him eyeballing the keypad for our security system like an obese woman lusting after chocolate pie. I wanted to throw up. I knew the little bastard was going to mess with it. There was really nothing he could push to fuck anything up, but just the fact that he wanted to do this out of spite for me, made me realize that he must be taught a lesson. So I kind of keep myself hidden behind a corner, waiting for him to mess with the keys. His parents and our superintendent are on the opposite end of the house, so this is the perfect time for me to strike. Boo-ya! I start to hear little beeps and boops… I walk out from where I was waiting and he jumps behind the couch as if to hide from me. I pretend not to notice him. He must be really fucking stupid because he actually believes that he is hidden. Even if he was hidden… my sense of smell would uncover him because this kid fucking smells. I run up to the keypad with a generally panicked look on my face. Here’s what went down.

Diljner “Oh god, somebody has entered the self destruct code! The whole house is going to explode. OH! Who could have done this?!”

LittleBastard comes out from his ‘Hiding Place’ and is very noticeably scared.

Diljner “Did you push the buttons?”
LittleBastard “Yes, it was an accident though, I walked by and my elbow hit it.”

What a little shit face, trying to lie to me. I wanted to thump this kid in the head.

Diljner “You’ve entered the self destruct code, I can’t stop it… You’d better run.”
LittleBastard “Your just messing with me.”

At this point he’s almost pissing his pants.

Diljner “Whatever, I’m getting the hell out of here before it blows up.”

I run out the back door and hear him start bawling. I almost felt bad for him… almost. I peek in through the window and he’s standing in the same spot crying his eyes out. What if I was telling the fucking truth? He’d be dead. My earlier assumptions of this kid being a moron were now confirmed. So, with a satisfied grin on my face, I enter the side door of my office and sit down to a hefty stack of paperwork. YAY! About ten minutes into me actually working, LittleBastard’s parents walk into my office and the mom is holding his hand. His face is all red from crying. Here’s the convo…

BitchyMom “[Diljner] what did you tell our son?”
Diljner “Ma’am?”
BitchyMom “He said that you told him that the house was going to explode with us all in it.”
Diljner “Is this true [LittleBastard]?”
LittleBastard “You did!”
Diljner [With a confused look on my face.] “Ma’am, I’ve been in here doing paperwork since I left the meeting.

BitchyMom whispers something to her husband and he takes LittleBastard out of my office. BitchyMom stays.

BitchyMom “I’m sorry [Diljner], He does this a lot. We just had to make sure though, you know? We recently found out that he has Attention Deficit Disorder and he’s been getting in trouble at school. He’ll be grounded for a week though, we told him if he got in trouble one more time that’d be his punishment.”

Oh fuck. I had just ruined this poor kid’s fucking week. At this point I started feeling like shit. I even tried to get him off the hook. I told her that I used to make up stories all the time and that he’s just being a kid. She wouldn’t budge. I felt so bad for this little guy. But hey, he kept dicking around with me so he had to be taught a lesson. Moral of the story, Don’t be a LittleBastard.

*sighs* I'm going to hell.

*note… I actually wrote this 2 hours after it happened, it had a lot more detail. When I tried to post it, it gave me an error and then wouldn’t let me return to the page in which I had typed it. So, fuck me, it was erased. So, I had to rewrite.

StupidWhore is Named; Declared a Dick

2004-12-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Let me start this section off with an apology for the last post. I don't know if I was in a bad mood or if it was because it just wasn't a good story, but the last story I wrote sucked the big one. I plan on going back and revising it, but in the meantime I will write this one.

Alright, this story dates back several months ago, when Aliens v. Predator came out, in fact, that was the last movie I saw. Now, as many of you know, I work at a movie theatre [Edwards], so I get free movie tickets and thought it would be nice to take Diljner to the movies [hahahaha, sounds like fuckin' date *wink*]. I walked in with Diljner and decided to introduce him to StupidWhore because he plays Counter-Strike with us, and I wanted Dilj to know exactly who the nub I was calling my friend was. So as we walk up to him, he seems to be serving some customers, no big deal, we've talked many a conversation about things two insane people wouldn't talk about, ...in front of customers.

Me "Sup [StupidWhore], how's it going?"
StupidWhore "Sup [Arrhythmia], things are goin' good. You?"
Me "Oh, [points] I'm going to see Aliens v. Predator with [Diljner] there. You know him, he plays CS with me."
StupidWhore "Oh, okay..."
Me "Well later bro, I'm off to see the movie-"
StupidWhore "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HELPING SOME FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!" [I turn to Diljner and give him the biggest "what the fuck?" face you could possibly create with the muscles in your face]

I was completely taken aback by this outburst of anger. As StupidWhore said these words, he gave me and Diljner the worst stink-eye I've seen in a long time. It looked as if someone had bit off his dick and he was out for blood. Yea, it was that bad...

Me "Whoa bro, sorry, I was just saying bye..."
StupidWhore "Well, next time, don't..."
Me [Look of confusion...we always talk with customers around...starts to walk away]
Diljner "Whoa..." [His face showed the mass confusion that mine had done not five seconds before]
Me "I don't know what the hell is up."
Diljner "That guy's a dick."
Me "Usually he's not, but wow, yea, he's a dick."

A few hours later, Diljner and I walked out of the movie and proceded out the door. I avoided any eye contact with the douche master behind concessions, I had had enough of his pissiness for one day. I thought, "maybe when he gets the sand out of his vagina, then maybe I'll talk to him..." From that day forward, Diljner had the worst impression of StupidWhore. I've heard of bad impressions, but he just couldn't have done it worse.

Shortly after this incident happened, Diljner and I began writing the blog and I wanted to give another one of my co-workers, MexicanaBlanca, the name of StupidWhore, [she didn't even seem to have a problem with this name either], but Diljner declined, saying that "[StupidWhore] should get that name. Yea, he's a douche." I notably agreed and thus his name had been created and all was good. That'll teach him not to be a fucking fag in front of my friends that he doesn't know. He may regret it in the end.

Now-a-days, Diljner has no problem with StupidWhore, well, not as big of a problem. We all play CS at eZone, time and again, and we have a pretty good time. Now is my time to piss that mother fucker off though, because I flash his skinny ass so much, he fucking screams and starts tweakin' out like he overdosed.

What a fucking cunt...

"What the Fuck" Night # 267

2004-12-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's safe to say that almost everytime my friends and I go out, we can basically count on a random hilarious moment just pop up out of nowhere; tonight was no exception. To get this one started off, let me give you the setting. Ms. Sarcasm and myself found ourselves to be in a bit of a perdicament, there was absolutely nothing to do. I tried calling around, but found my attempts to be useless, as usual, and I felt down, but I wasn't out. Thinking about pool and how much I rape, but always seem to lose [I'm cursed], I decide to ask Ms. Sarcasm if she would like to go. She wants to, but her mother says something about how the place I want to go to is...bad, no reasons need be given. So we decide to go to Magoo's, over by Ms. Sarcasm's house. Right before we decide to leave, who calls, but Leafblower. This is a fucking surprise since I tried to call him about four times before going over to Sarcasm's. He decides that he wishes to go with us to Magoo's to have some fun. I have Ms. Sarcasm call extrEMO, cause I didn't want to be a nuisance, but she was in trouble or something, so we figured we'd just go ahead and leave.

Not twenty minutes later, we arrive at Magoo's and get our fun on, but not before Leaf and I promptly clip our nails with Leaf's portable clippers; don't ask. We go in and wait for a second to order the food and pizza, and who ends up fishing out the most money for the food and entertainment? You guessed right, me. I have no problem with this, seeing that I love to entertain my friends and feel that they should be treated good, especially since I'm an ass, but I'm trying to be frugal, yea, let's just say that's not working. I love my friends, but they need to help me out better. Anyway, so Leaf and I try playing Street Fighter, but there were a few setbacks. His side didn't even work, so he didn't play, and my punch buttons and analog stick were being retarded, so I was kicking the whole time. Gey. We play a few more games, I choose a few songs from the juke box and we start chillin'. A few minutes later, Ms. Sarcasm and I start to play pool and I rape at it like usual. I believe I hit all but two balls in before she got one, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she sucks, the cues were just terrible. I didn't expect her to have a chance, hell, I didn't think that I would do that well. I win the first pool game after only like six minutes of play, yes, I show no mercy. She knows how I play, she should expect it by now.

Anywho, wouldn't you know it, but during the game, one of the workers from Magoo's comes up and just offers Ms. Sarcams a job, asking her age and whatnot. A switch in Leaf went off or something because when he heard this he was like "no fuck" and started laughing like always. He looked like he got really pissed too because he had this big ass scowl on his face. I believe he hated Ms. Sarcasm, even for just a short amount of time. You could tell he was frustrated, he just chuckled, rubbed the back of his head while he looked at the ground and gave me that look like "I'm fucking kill the bitch." Good times, good times. The sad thing about it was that Leaf really needs a job, yet what do you know, Sarcasm gets an offer. Fucking ironic. Still, I give it to her, she was the best lookin' girl there, so she deserves the attention. Better luck next time Leafy my boy.

We pick a few more songs and they soon finish and our food arrives. I start digging in, but I notice something with this pizza that I don't usually with others, it's fucking hot! My lord, this was making my mouth burn like I was eating chili peppers. Hot damn, but it was good, so I quickly laid waste to about three of those suckers before I got tired [mind you Magoo pizza slices are huge]. While we are sitting, Leaf asks me yet another of his brilliant questions...

Leaf "Would you have sex with John Madden for a billion dollars?!"
Me "Um....hrm...." [Looks to show signs of an affirmative answer]
Leaf "But after you were finished you had to watch the instant replay with him and he says 'look as I reach around during the rim job and give him a Rusty Trombone'..."
[We all begin to laugh]
Me "For a billion dollars? Yea... Would you?"
Leaf "Hell yea!! For an extra ten dollars I even might enjoy myself."
Me "For a billion and ten dollars?"
[Uncontrollable laughter from all parties]
Leaf "Yea..."

I soon ran out of my root beer and went to get a refill. We continued our talk about random shit, like how me and StupidWhore discussed the existance of Heaven and Hell by their close ties with good and evil. It's way too complex to explain, we were talking for hours on it, so tonight, I gave the condensed version and Sarcasm and I got in a small debate about world affairs and the associated 'goods and evils'. We began discussing North Korea and how they can nuke Japan and are more than willing to. I then stated my mind.

Me "We should nuke the fuckers, they have done nothing but cause us problems since the Vietnam War, no, the Korean War."
Ms. Sarcasm "Yea, turn that area into a parking lot."
Me "Fucking turn that it to fucking glass."
Ms. Sarcasm "Hell yea."
Me "Turn it into a fucking glass marble."

It got a tad serious, but I lightened it up with my solution to the world's problems. Mind you, I've told this philosophy to a lot of people, some agree, some don't. It isn't a viable solution, in fact, it is absurd and completely unlikely, but I still think it would shut a lot of people up.

Me "If I were President, I would do this. I would have Canada- wait, fuck Canada, I would take them over, all they're doing is holding our nukes anyway... I would then take over Mexico, along with Central America and South America. After this, I would take over the parts of Europe that I liked, not our allies though, and then allllll of Africa, because of all the resources there, and then join up with Austrailia. Then, I would nuke the rest of the fucking planet. No more Asia or parts of Europe, then after I'm done, I'll let all the countries I took over go. I would just do that so there would be no complaints or efforts to stop me, maybe a few revolts, but whatever."
Ms. Sarcasm "You'd be assassinated before you even finished."
Me "Naw, if I have my hand on the button to launch the nukes and then am killed, I have no problem with it, my work was done."

Problem solved. We soon killed this discussion and went to play the second game of pool. I let Ms. Sarcasm break, even though I usually do, and it was pretty pathetic, but I played with what I had and we went on our merry way. The game went by pretty quick, until I got to the 8 ball. Leaf was watching us and decided to help Sarcasm because, well, she sucks hole. We were all having difficult times with our shots, no matter how simple or perfectly lined up they were. The cues we had were just that atrocious. I would have to say it took them about ten minutes to get two balls in and about fifteen for me to get the 8 ball in. I had so many perfect shots, they kept saying that they "fucked up and gave it to me" and I knew I was going to miss and what do you know, I miss. Bleh, it happens.

After finally finishing, Sarcasm wishes for us to go to her house and play games. She mentions playing Scrabble and Leaf's eyes light up. He had the biggest grin on his face and his face was bright enough to light up about three rooms. Sarcasm and I expected to hear "let's do it!" He starts to move toward her, eyes wide open, grinning ear to ear and exclaims "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" That fucker really didn't want to play Scrabble....

We clean up and leave and as we get to Ms. Sarcasm's house, she exclaims to her mother how she got offered a job and I interject with "she got offered a job because she has boobs!" Her mother found this hilarious. Her mother then tells me that extrEMO called. Um, uh oh? I went to my truck and found the cell phone sitting there with several missed calls. Apparently, she was able to go with us to Magoo's. Jeez...

The night pretty much ended after that. I fucking left the pizza at Sarcam's house and I'm kicking myself for that. Everytime I buy root beer or pizza for them, I fucking leave it at her house. I pay for this shit, I should keep it...keep up brain....bastid.

Final say: The night kicked ass...

Diljner Almost Throws Down With Immigrant

2004-11-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

This little story starts off about a week ago. I'm sitting in the office, it's 11:30, almost time for my lunch break. When 12:00 rolls around, I'm gone. Now, I live right down the street from where I work, so today I decide to walk home for lunch instead of drive; I should also mention that I live/work in a new homes construction zone, so there are cars parked everywhere. So I'm walking down the car-clogged street when I notice a very shitty beat up little vehicle. I notice that it had some pretty rims. Upon closer inspection I notice that not only are they not rims, they're hubcaps, shiny, plastic hubcaps. And not only are they hubcaps... But they're 'spinner' hubcaps, you know, the kind you can get at Pep-Boy's for like 5 bucks? Anywho, I look around to make sure that the owner of the vehicle is nowhere around, the coast seems clear. So I start spinning the rear left hubcap. I'm laughing my ass off simply because this is the most Julio'd out car I've ever seen [Thanks for the word 'Julio' Leaf]. As I've about had my feel of dicking around with this guys car, the unthinkable happens, the whole fucking hubcap falls off. I jump back and I'm a bit scared. Somewhere, I hear this loud scream, like, "AAeeeeeyaaa!" All of a sudden this mexican guy, who I assumed was the owner of the vehicle runs at me screaming obscenities in Spanish. I'm like, "Guy, I don't understand you." Then the fucker pushes me... hard. That fucking did it. I was in mid-swing when two of his friends run up and grab us and separate before we fucker each other up. He was still trying to swing at me and break free of his friend's grip. Accepting that he was restrained, he fell back on his only other option... The motherfucker reared back... and spit a fucking loogie right on my hand. There we both go again, trying to break free of our restrainers, but to no avail. Another guy came and helped Asshole's friend get him out of there; they put him in a different car and drove off. I'd assume they went and had lunch... bastards. Anywho, Asshole's friend that was restraining me took me off to the side and explained to me that the guy who spit on me was his brother in law. Apparently Mr. Mad Spitter had been going through a rough time lately. The police had just raided his house for drugs the previous night and fucking arrested his girlfriend. So pretty much the hubcap incident was just the icing on the cake for him. I departed and finally made my way home. I sat down to some nice Mac'n'Cheese and watched judge Maybelline Ephrem hand people their asses.

A very memorable day indeed.

My Friends and I Think Hard

2004-11-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

Alright, so yesterday went off without a hitch, I visited family in LA and we had a great time. I was surprised because there was no fighting or throwing of food. Exceptional. After spending many hours with my cousins, aunt, parents, and other people that had no significant impact in my life, I went home. Now, I wasn't allowed to drive to LA or back because my parents said ...well, that I just couldn't. No justification, no nothin', just "no". Sadness overflowed me, but I knew I had a way to deal with being in their presence the whole time in the car, so I grabbed a borrowed cd player and a book and read the whole time. Okay, I never read, that's how bad it usually is with them. I love um, but having conversations without fighting is rare, so I use my ultimatums a lot. Once I got home, I called around and found out where Diljner, Leafblower, and Ms. Sarcasm were. After arriving at there home some twenty minutes later [or so, Ms. Sarcasm lives far away], I was introduced with the idea of fishing. So, while Diljner and Sarcasm waited at her house, me and the Leaf went over to his house and got the goods, i.e. poles, bait, etc.

We came back and made a plan with Diljner to meet up at his house, but before that Leaf and I were to get weights, a net, and something else from my grandparents house. We stopped by a convienience store and bought two 2-liter bottles of Root Beer [mmmmmmm] and some candy. We then scurried over to the grandparents and woke my grandfather up to help us get the equipment. The equipment getting process took about twenty minutes [yes, my grandfather is slow] and we were off to Diljner's. On the way to his house, we had one of our award winning conversations...again:

Leaf "Would you have sex with Rosie O'Donald to cure cancer?"
Me "Um...gah...would you? ...to cure cancer, like think of all the rolls and shit, but think of all the...."
Leaf "....No, dude, you can't ask me after I ask you...I'll give you my answer after you give me yours."
Me "Alright, well.... she's fucking disgusting for one thing."
Leaf [Starts chuckling like he always does]
Me "She looks like a beached whale..."
Leaf "She's a cooooooooooooooow..."
Me "Um...well, and she's a lesbian too, like she's a super dyke, she got fucking married..."
Leaf "To a girl..."
Me "To a girl....ugh....well, I mean, well, but it's to cure cancer, right?"
Leaf "Uh huh."
Me "So I have to suffe- for how long, would this be a quickie?
Leaf "One time dude."
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, could it be a quickie or does it have to be a looong drawn out process."
Leaf "Aboooout twenty minutes."
Me "Twenty minutes?!"
Leaf "Twenty minutes."
Me "Uggggghhhhh [Shivers in disgust]..........and I would cure, is this cancer forever?"
Leaf "Cancer ...forever..."
Me "Forever."
Leaf "Ever...and eva and eva..."
Me "Damn."
Leaf "Come on [Arrhythmia], don't be greedy."
Me "Ummm...."
Leaf "You can't be selfish with on something like this."
Me "No, I was talking about the stick." [I grinded it a second before on accident]
Leaf "Oh..."
Me "Okay, anyways..."
Leaf [Chuckles]
Me "Well, uh...you know what, I would endure twenty minutes or horrible, horrible, retched, fat cow sex..."
Leaf "Not if you close your eyes..."
Me "No, no, no, no, no, no...it's not even that, you have to feel her body...imagine that, you'd have to feel her body."
Leaf "And the kind of sounds too..."
Me "And you could hear [makes sucking, squishing noises]...and you like, there's so many rolls that you get like sucked under one......uggghhh." [Shivers again]
Leaf "See I would do it, just so I could get laid..."
Me "Are you serious?"
Leaf "And curing cancer, and cure cancer..."
Me "You would have sex with Rosie O'donald just for the hell of it?"
Leaf "Naw dude, to cure cancer, but uh, would you have sex with her to cure....crabs?"
Me "NO, fuck no." [Laughs] "Would you have sex with her to cure AIDS?"
[A brief pause]
Leaf "AIDS..." [Long pause] "........................um, yea...."
Me "No, no, no, why? Give reasons though..."
Leaf "What do you mean? No, no no, fuck no...if you get AIDS, you deserve to get AIDS 'cause you got AIDS."
Me "What, what, okay what's your-"
Leaf "-Maybe-"
Me "-No, no, no, what if your mother had AIDS and you were born with AIDS because your mother had it."
Leaf "If I could only cure those people, then yea, I'd do it."
Me "Like, just the people who don't deserve it."
Leaf "Yeah!"
Me "So you would-"
Leaf "Then that'd cure a loooot of Afircans..."
Me "Af-ri-cans?"
Leaf "I don't really like Africans..."
Me [Makes weird noise]
Leaf "WHAT?!" [Laughs]
Me "Um, anyways....um...."
[Long pause]
Me "You don't like niggars or you don't like Africans...?"
Both [Laugh]

This conversation ends and Leaf tells me this...

Leaf "So I almost got beat up for being a racist by some Mexicans."
Me "Why?"
Leaf "Well, because, um, I mumbled something about 'this is why I don't watch fuckin' Mexican movies 'cause they're fuckin' stupid,' [I begin to laugh] and then, this chick named Vanessa, she was 'what? What did you say?' and I was like 'I didn't say that...' and then she goes over to her friends next door, and said 'did you hear him? He said he don't like Mexican girls 'cause we're stupid!' [I'm laughing my ass off] And I was like "' didn't say that! I didn't say that!' and they were going to beat my ass, I'm not even lying..."

After this was said, we arrived at Diljner's and went off to go fishing. We drove around for like two minutes, went off to some side road where some houses are being built, and then traspassed to go in to a local canal. We were fishing for a little bit, we didn't catch jack shit, but we had fun. My hands were freezing [fuck you poor blood circulation] and I didn't think it was too bright of me to go out there with a jacket that doesn't form any sort of protection with only a t-shirt on underneath. Then we all talked about our fun times. It was great just having Diljner, Ms. Sarcasm, Leaf, and me all out there hangin' out like the good 'ol times. I can guarantee we'll traspass again just to have another time like that.

Genericide

2004-11-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

Let me start off this section with a short story that happened to me today around 10 in the AM while coming back home from school. I stand by the fact that Mexicans are fucking horrible drivers and that they should fuckin' reconsider the laws leading up to them getting their license. Case in point: As I'm driving home on Rosedale Highway, I am in the fast lane, going a reasonable speed, flowing along with traffic and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Well Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole decides to change lanes in front of me. This guy must have been using a halogen bulbs that emitted invisible fucking light because there was no way in hell I could see his fucking blinker. To top this shit off, I had to hit my brakes in order for him to merge because I didn't see the fucker come in until he almost clips my front end. I change lanes and pass him because he made it his fucking goal to make me go slower [yes, in the fast lane *sigh*] and as I pass, I see this gangsterish looking Mexican, you know, those poser-like ones, just chillin' in his fuckin' car with his wife or girlfriend or hoe. I couldn't tell you what she was. I grit my teeth and took it like a man, but fucking COME ON.....do people wish to give me material on a daily basis by acting like an asshole? I assume so...

My God people, when will the madness stop? This is a continuation of my "Learn to Fucking Drive" rant because, personally, I see this shit way too much to be silent for any longer. I wasn't silent in the last one, but I didn't put an emphasis on how much old people fuckin' piss me off. I totally wasn't going to do this, but I had to after seeing the shit I saw today.

This morning, I ran a little early on time, and by that I mean that I didn't calculate traffic very well this morning and ended up getting to school half an hour early, giving me some unneeded reflection time that I brilliantly made up into "I need to get some gas" time. So, after driving by the gas station and seeing all the stations being taken up except for one, which was inexcessable because of some asshole and his big truck, I drove the long way back to school; I figured I had enough gas to drive the twelve miles back home. While on my way to school, I stop for a light and see a geriatric couple in a Lincoln or something pull out, followed by some other geezer in a Tacoma. Now, they were both in the same lane for about a minute, but as I follow, the guy in the Tacoma ended up passing the other car. Now, let me get this straight, you are driving SO slow that an old person like yourself fucking PASSES YOU. Does anyone else see a problem with this, or am I just freaking out for nothing? If you drive that fucking slow grandpa get off the fucking road.

When I saw that shit play out, I began laughing like an ass. I hadn't seen such an ironically funny thing like that in a long time. After going through lecture in school, I was driving home and encountered Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole and continued my driving. Jesus, I thought I noticed this before, but there are a lot of fucking old people out on the road between mid-morning and early afternoon. I think this is because all the young "whipper-snappers" aren't on the road to ruin their shit and make their "daily drive" less fun, i.e. driving like the fucking maniacs we are. I'm sorry, but I do not enjoy driving by and looking at old people while passing all of them. Half of them were hunched over the wheel or plain out weren't even tall enough to see over them...*grasps forehead* man...

I know I set a lot of rules for things, but these seem almost necessary for anyones fucking sanity...

::This is all pertaining to old people::

1. If you can't see over the wheel, with or without your adult diaper, you don't deserve to drive

2. If you're hunched over in more than a 60 degree angle, you probably shouldn't drive

3. When you drive and you're mouth is hanging open the whole time and you can barely control the way it functions, you most definately don't have enough control of yourself to drive

4. Driving slow is not necessarily driving safely, in fact, you probably are more likely to cause more accidents. Solution: Don't get behind the fucking wheel

5. If you have no color in your hair, too fucking old...

6. Driving by brail[sp?], not a safe way to drive. Get off the road grandma!

7. If other fucking old people pass you, for God's sake, get away from a vehicle

8. If you own a pair of sunglasses that are bigger than half you're fucking face...then there is no way in hell that you should be able to drive

9. If you can't walk, yet can still drive, what makes you think that you can drive well, because, you can't...

Man oh man... Well, I love my grandparents and all, but I think a safe way to keep these people off the road would be to commit genocide...of old people though, not a race. In fact, they should make up a new name for that: Genericide. Geriatric people + mass killing = Genericide. It's that easy.

You know, you can all prevent this from happening by driving them yourself or locking them in their own house; I would choose the latter of the two. And remember, if you see an old person trying to drive, think of these pictures....

...and just say no...for the love of God, just say no...

Diljner Cock-block's The Leafblower

2004-11-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

Ah, another story from Diljner. I know, I know, posts from me have been few and far between lately but I've been pretty busy. Now on to my tale...

The following events take place on "The Cruise". Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I are pretty jazzed about this certain night. It's the second night of the cruise and we're all supposed to dress up in our finest attire and attend dinner in the 'Four Winds' dining hall. So, after spending a fucking hour trying to teach Leaf how to tie his tie [Unsuccessfully], we're ready to head down. After a race down 6 flights of stairs, we arrive at the dining room and there is this fucking Jenkin's looking butler-guy that tells us we have to wait. To our right is a little library with a few computers and some ports where you can get some internet access. We decide to hang out in there, being the geeks we are, and wait until the hall opens. People started lining up outside. The line started getting really long, but we were in no hurry. About 10 minutes of sitting around bullshitting, and insulting eachother, two VERY attractive members of the opposite sex walk into the library [This is before I met Sarcasm by the way]. They totally looked like porn stars.

Leaf isn't the most outgoing guy, but when these chicks walked in he was fucking on it. Arrhythmia and I were laughing because we knew that he was going to try and run some game on them. They sit down at the opposite end of the library and are looking at us, whispering and giggling a bit. Leaf gets up and strolls over to where they're sitting and takes the couch right next to theirs. He starts off with a little small talk... Asks their names, age, stuff like that. He's making them laugh and they're totally fucking loving him. Arrhythmia and I then go over while he's talking to them. He gives us a look like 'Go the fuck away'. So, what do we do? We fucking sit down right with them and get up in their conversation. [Diljner + Arrhythmia = Uber-pricks]

Leaf tries his damndest to keep up the charm, but he's very clearly nervous now. He knows we're going to fuck this up for him somehow. He continues right along, without a hitch for the next few minutes. They're still loving him. Then, the inevitable happens... [Keep in mind that we're all in the middle of the fucking ocean] Here's our conversation...

Leaf "So, are you ladies from around here?"
[As soon as those words came out of his mouth he knew it was all over.]
Me "The OCEAN?!?"
Girls [Laughing their asses off]
Arrhythmia [Laughing his ass off]
Me [Laughing my ass off]
Leaf "Fuck you guys, they know what I meant! I meant the SOUTH!"

Needless to say, the ladies lost interest in the Leafman. When it was time to enter the hall, they just kind of left without a good-bye. This is probably the only time Leaf has been truly pissed off at me to the point of hatred. But what the hell? Like he was gonna score [Wink Wink]. To this day, when we bring up the story of the aformentioned cock-block, Leaf promptly gives me a "FUCK YOU COCKBLOCKER!"

The Scale of Greatness

2004-11-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

As it has been stated, Diljner and I are gamerz, extreme ones at that. Therefore I have created the ultimate "geek" rating scale to go along with our intense loserness. A lot of you won't even rate high on this, if at all. The scale will go from highest to lowest, with the ultimate form of geekness on top and the lowest on bottom. I will also place where the people who are mentioned in Leafblower Blog. Alright, let the fun begin!

Uber Leet Geek aka "]_[!33!2 1337 933!<" - This is the pinticle of geek status. These are the gamerz that do nothing but talk and play [computer only] games and have the skillz to prove it. Also, the action of typing in Leet is done with astounding speed. The use of the words "pwn" and "w00t" must be done on a regular basis and usually first person shooters are this particular gamerz cup of tea. Also, they talk shit like a fucking weasel; this is important because Dilj and I do it on a regular basis. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

Those who fall under this rank: Diljner and Arrhythmia

Leet Geek aka "1337 933!<" - These are the gamerz that are very dedicated to playing [computer gamez only] and use Leet talk like the devil. They play a lot and are okay to pretty good, but aren't the best players. They play a wide variety of gamez, but first person shooters still rule their roost. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

The ones who have established Leet greatness: Mechanism [clan member], Sanction [Diljner's sister], and Chopsticks [our other clan member]

Uber Geek - These fuckers like to play games, but haven't either bothered to learn Leet or just don't care enough. They play computer games, but the majority of them like to play console gamez just as much [psh]. They are the weaker players and even though they get kills every so often, need more practice than their willing to admit.

This catagory contains players such as: StupidWhore and Leafblower [fucking console gamer, but he got to Uber Geek because he plays KoF with me and Diljner a lot]

Geek - These are the beginners, working their way up to becoming the best. [That is never going to happen because the Asian's will always be the best, no matter if you're Leet or Uber Leet....damn them]. They hang out with gamerz all the time and decided to give it a shot, but aren't as dedicated as the other types of geeks.

These poor souls: Ms. Sarcasm [recently moved up]

Nerd - These are the extremely smart people who have heard of computer gamez or have joined up with friends to "watch" them play. There is maybe slight participation in gaming by nerds [but usually not]. Alas there is hope, you are only one step from geekness and can easily accomplish the step. These people are pretty much useless when it comes to any gaming fun and are easily bored whenever the higher ups play [Ms. Sarcasm whenever Diljner, Leaf, and I play KoF].

Current residents: MexicanaBlanca

Roadie/Groupie - Coming upon the last level of geekness/nerdom we come upon the roadie/groupie. These people do minimal anything. They will watch, but unlike the nerd will never participate, ever. They might enjoy watching, but don't seem all that interested in anything pertaining to gamez. There is no chance in hell you will get them to watch you play computer gamez for several hours either, no way. The only way they will watch you is whenever you're playing console or at the arcade.

Those who are contained in this catagory: extrEMO

Alright! There you have it folks, the ultimate scale of geekness. There is no definate answer where you lie, but this will give you a good set of rules to where you stand. I am now done using my geek talk and putting a 'z' after games and using sentances like "this story is so going to pWn. w00t!" Now I'm off to play Half-Life 2...

Oh yea, b0m whores :D Black 0ps Mafia will pwn j00!!

PS [For Diljner only] That's 5 queerbate...you better get to workin'!

The Day extrEMO and Ms. Sarcasm Ruin My Shit

2004-11-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

Oh this story is bringing back painful memories, I don't know if I even want to tell it... Ah, what the hell, if it means embarrassing myself for the sake of humor, so be it. Oh yea, and I want to apologize for the laxativity [is that a word?] of my stories, meaning that they have been piss poor lately. To all of you faithful readers out there, I am truly sorry, but hey, what can you do? Exactly, nothing, now sit and read...

"Oh my God, what am I going to do?!" This is just one of the many questions I asked as I talked to myself last Monday, when I realized that my paper was due in two days and I had no clue how to write any part of it. It would not have been so bad if I didn't have to write on such a difficult topic, which was "the history of school prayer and why I am for it." [Side note: this is for Ms. Sarcasm, don't say a damn thing, I already know what you did for me, you don't need to explain to everyone else, thank you]. By the time I came to Ms. Sarcasm's house, I was already a nervous wreck, really edgy, a little tweakish, but the worst thing of it was that I temporarily lost my intelligence. By this I mean I couldn't really make competent sentence structures, my word placement was abysmal, and I couldn't come up with a good comeback to anything if I put my life on it. We later realized the reason for these actions was because I had two bowls of cereal earlier that day and I engulfed the bowl with sugar. Sugar + me + nervousness = disaster a la Arrhythmia.

Well, we got to it, I was still very edgy while Ms. Sarcasm worked her magic and I couldn't keep my mind on any one particular thing. Maybe it was because extrEMO was there, haha, *looks around*, you decide. Anyway, we worked for around two hours and I was already like "fuck this bullshit, I hate school..." and wanted a serious release; sadly, this was not going to happen. Anyway, somewhere along the line, extrEMO gets up and heads to the couch. I get distracted, yet again, and go join her, and I laid next to her and I think I tried to tickle her, I'm not sure, but sure enough, something clicked in her that does in everyone.

extrEMO "Hey, are you ticklish?"
Me [Nervous look] Uh.....

Fuck….

Damnit, damnit, damnit, does everyone have to know I'm super ticklish? She then tries to tickle me, but I grabbed her wrist to try and stop the impending doom of me being tickled, but she said I was being a tad strong. WHAT?! I WASN'T BEING FORCEFUL, I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT STUPID... Well, as soon as I lighten up, *boom*, there goes the fuckin' game. It is no longer her trying to tickle me, it is me, on the ground, laughing like a mental patient, struggling, YES, struggling to get away. extrEMO is not even close to my weight or build, yet she had the upper hand in this battle. She is almost a full foot smaller than me and weights a considerable amount less than me, so there shouldn't have been a problem with me getting away....but noooooo, it was fucking hard. I was flailing about, doing the usual bit whenever someone tickles me, but it wasn't soon over.

Now, if I'm being tickled, I kick, hard, it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else *shrugs*. Well, I was kicking the fuck out of the air and clawing at the floor when this shit happened and extrEMO found it HILARIOUS. God, if she needed more reasons to tickle me, don't let one of them be extreme entertainment. So things are going pretty bad for me and what do you think happens? Ms. Sarcasm finds us in our little "let's abuse the fuck out of [Arrhythmia]" battle and decides it's her God given right to join in. Kill me...now. Oh shit, if this is going to happen, there might as well be a pack of rabid dogs that come in when the girls are done to finish my ass off because this was not happening. Anyway, so they're going at it like no other, I have been forced into guerrilla tactics, i.e. knocking the girls off balance, shoving them, etc. This, however, did not work for they found a great way to subdue my body's flailing nature, by straddling me. Most guys out there would think this would be the best fucking thing in the world, believe me, it depends on the situation fellas. extrEMO had my hips in between her legs, holding me for dear life and using her little fingers to poke and prod me; Ms. Sarcasm followed suit not long after. Then, if I wasn't in enough pain, the fuckin' shit hits the fan, I burn the fuck out of my arm on the carpet.

Me [While screaming] "Rug burn! Rug burn! Rug burn!"
Girls [Continue rampage]
Me "It burns! I have a rug burn, you can get off now!"
Girls [Continue rampage, either ignoring me or too busy assaulting me to hear]
Me [Laughs hysterically] "Please...."

By the time I finally get out of their death grips, I had already lost my wallet and my shoe. I ran into the next room breathing like I had just ran a marathon. Of course the girls were laughing their asses off and trying to coax me into coming back into the room. Uhhh...no, but I eventually went back in. Well, I assumed things were going to be okay because they said they were going to behave, so I got back on the couch and they were like hovering over me with wicked ass looks in their eyes and then….fuck…

Ms. Sarcasm “Mutiny!” [Begins to tickle me again with extrEMO]
Me “YOU SAID YOU’D STOP!!!”

After the brief attack, they started laughing at the fact that I was in a fetal position, praying to God that he would bring mercy upon my soul. Ugh…

The worst part of it was that I got rug burns all over my body. I have two scabs on my left knee, one on my right, and a bad fuckin' scab on my right elbow. Those fuckers remind me constantly that two she-devils beat my ass and I'm bigger than both of them. Times are sad in Arrhythmia's world. Let's just hope that this incident was a fluke.

PS [To Diljner only] That is four fucking posts bro, see I told you I'd do it. It's time for you step up and post another one because you are falling behind buddy boy.

Get to work Niggarachi!

Learn to Fucking Drive

2004-11-20T01:18:00.001-08:00

How many of you out there have gotten so pissed off at a shitty driver that you wanted to ram their car to the side of the road, pull them out, no matter their age, and proceed to pummel the shit out of them till they cry rape? I know I have, in fact, this shit happens almost everyday in this horrible town called Bakersfield. I swear, if I have to drive behind another person who feels it's their right to drive 40 in a 55 zone, let alone the fuckin' FAST LANE... Oh Jesus, give me strength. I am not saying I am a perfect driver, but fuck people, use common sense. GAHHHHHH!!!

Now, Diljner has already stated in "The Day A Lot of Shit Happened [Parts 1 & 2]" that we are not racist, but however find no problem in saying potentially racist things in our stories. I will stand by this statement as I write this story because, well, in my eyes there are certain races that drive shittier than others. Mind you, I'm not referring to all the people of that particular race, but it has been an observation of mine that those races tend to drive like retards, and we all know why retards can't drive, right?

I have seen several things in my 'driving' days and sometimes I'm just flat out baffled how some people even received their license. Let me explain...

Story #1:
Alright, my mother is super anal about my driving when it comes to going up and down the Grapevine and traveling to Magic Mountain/LA/Ventura/whatever. Well, when she finally cut the leash and let me drive up there on my own, I decided to take a little trip to Magic Mountain with my friend and co-worker StupidWhore. We drove up there around, oh 9:30, but only stayed till 3:30 because we had ridden every roller coaster and it was fucking hot. Well, on the way back to Bakersfield, things seemed to be going quite well, until I got an eye of a Mexican in a Ram. God damnit do I HATE most Mexican drivers because they fuckin' drive like my grandmother and she drives by fuckin' brail[sp?], you know, when they drive to one side of the lane and you hear *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* and then they goes "oh" and turn the wheel enough to go to the other side and you hear the *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* again and they go back and repeat the process fuckin' the whole time you're going. Well, this prick isn't paying attention or something because he almost fuckin' side swipes me. I'll explain this, the tail of his truck got about 1 foot from hitting my truck before I hit the breaks and watched his ass keep going without a stutter. The gate for his bed was right about where the start of my door was, he didn't even have room to pass if he was God, and for about a minute after he did that I was saying to StupidWhore "it's a fuckin' Mexican, I know it, it's a fuckin' Mexican..." He nodded in agreement and stated that he thought the same thing. Then, I increased my speed to catch up the asshole and StupidWhore said, "yup, it's a Mexican." Amazing. This wasn't the only encounter I have had with a piss poor Mexican driver, but I don't need to embellish on that topic, I think I've made that point.

Story #2
This next story occurred on Tuesday, I believe, on the way to my school. This particular day, I decided to take a different route than usual because it was usually faster and I was running late. Well, low and behold, someone was in the fast lane driving slower than usual. Now, I am a little more used to this now than I was when I first started driving, so I waited it out, seeing if this person would change lanes or not. During this period, I couldn't believe the horridness of their driving, they were not only driving slow, but drifting slowly into the lane next to them and then hitting the breaks so they were going fucking slower than before. I said to myself "this bitch must be on her cell phone or something..." and continued my wait. About two minutes later, they realized that I was going to kill them if they didn't move and, slowly, moved to the left lane. I sped up and turned my head to look at them in pure defiance and what do you think happened...

"...Oh my God, she's Asian..."

Yes, I don't know what should have tipped me off first, the slow driving or the drifting. There was a deep desire in me to go crazy and run into her, but I soon suppressed this urge and continued my adventure to school.

Story #3-1,000,000
All old people suck at driving, I don't even need a fuckin' story to emphasize this point. If you ask me, after a person turns 55-60 [depending on their state of mind and competence] their license should be revoked and be forced to get a GETpass . There is no way in hell I'm ever getting into a car with my grandparents if I'm not driving...no way.

I bet you're all asking, "why don't you mention people on cell phones?" Oh, don't even get me started on these fuckers. If it was up to me, I would have a law set that bans the use of cell phones while driving, no matter what your age. I know you all agree with me, even those of you who own cell phones themselves, I bet you've gotten your share of rage at a person driving with their cell phone. I'd place a million dollars on it and know I'd win.

You know what, here are some ideas that the DMV should use when determining the capability of a driver:

Mexican applicants: Give them the benefit of the doubt, but test them at least three times with three different instructors to get a real judgment before giving them their license.

Asian applicants: Don't even bother giving these people the benefit of the doubt, you know they're going to suck ass at driving, but test them out anyway. The better of the group will probably show many mistakes and should be given a permanent provisional license [like the ones they give to minors]. The rest should be sent on their merry way to the GET bus station to get their GETpass.

Women applicants:Now, I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, so I'll make it short. Diljner and many other guys I know agree with me [and don't you fuckin' deny it Dilj] that women are usually horrible drivers, not all, but a lot. Hell, I don't like getting in the car with my mother or my sister [when she's in town] because they fuckin' drive like maniacs. I have to be proven to that a woman is confident in her driving before I will get in the passengers seat. Maybe my view is a little biased because my mom scares me shitless when she drives, but I dunno...

Haha, this reminds me of the other day, I at the stoplight on Old River, going North, about to cross Stockdale Highway when I turned to my right to see and older woman on her cell phone. I instantly thought "shouldn't have gotten her license" and proceeded to look to my left. I saw a young girl on her cell phone. The same thought went across my mind and I began to laugh.

Mexican/Asian/Woman applicants: There should be an alarm when someone of this caliber comes into the DMV [*ahem* extrEMO, hehe]. No way in hell should these people get their license, that's like aiding in vehicular manslaughter. If you want an instant pass to hell, give a Mexican/Asian/woman their license, I'll be sure to send you a thank you bomb for putting another one on the road.

As I close this story I'll leave you with this: I am in no way/shape/or form against people driving how they want, as long as it is within the law. I can guarantee you that I am a horrible driver myself and that I do a lot of shit that shouldn't be allowed. This whole idea came upon me because of the few drivers out there who piss me off tend to be Mexica, Asian, or women. White people suck at driving more than they'd like to admit, but fuck them, they suck anyway [ironic]. Haha, hopefully this story won't get me my ass handed to be.

How I Met Ms. Sarcasm and Why She Used to Suck

2004-11-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

Here we go again with yet another story that occurred over a year ago. Not surprisingly, a lot of shitty things seemed to happen to me between the ages of fifteen and seventeen. Oh well, that's life and here's another story.

Alright, let me set the scene for all you guys and gals, I was ...sixteen, and I had a very good friend, [of the time], named Vince, [no surname for him]. Well, Vince and I met a girl named [Ms. Sarcasm] while reading some magazines one weekend; a sort of odd interaction took place. Well, as things so have it, she was a very cool person, a tad over opinionated and very strong-willed, but I'm the same way, so I took it in stride. Little did I know that she would become an evil, conniving Nazi. Do not think I'm elaborating or over-exaggerating, you will soon know what I mean... Anywho, she seems to think I'm cute, [yea, I know, go figure], and got this grand idea to show a picture of me or some shit to her friend, BlondeDevil; this is where my hell starts.

[Side note: I couldn't really find a place to put this in the story, so I'll describe her here. She was a short blonde who was pretty cute, nice face, good figure, etc. But that doesn't account for everything, at least to me.]

Well, as the way thing pan out, Devil thinks I'm hot shit and seemingly wants to have my children as well, because she is all over this like vultures on a fresh carcass. I have never been so hotly pursued by a girl in my entire life, hell, I don't think I have ever really been pursued by a girl...*meh*. So, this seems like a typical stalker case, she's like fucking everywhere I am and is either accompanied by Ms. Sarcasm or her other bitchy friends. Now, I bet you're wondering, "if she was all into your shit and so apparently wanted your penis, why didn't you hit that?" No matter how this comes out, I can guarantee some of you will think I'm a dumbass.

Reason #1: Her ass was fucking fourteen

What's the problem with that? Well, I'll tell you: I was turning seventeen in like a month or two and she was still going to be fourteen for another two months AFTER my birthday. This may not seem like a big difference when I'm say, twenty-one, and the girl would be like nineteen a few months later, but when you're sixteen, that shit doesn't settle right. To some, age doesn't mean shit, but to me, at that time, that was like a fuckin sin. Don't ask why, I'm eighteen now, I really don't remember my reasoning that well. As far as I'm concerned now, sixteen and older, nothing less...

We'll come to the other reasons as the story progresses, so, when I'd see this girl, she'd be with her so-called 'posse' of girls, which was more like Genghis Khan and his fuckin' army. I swear, she had like twenty girls that she knew around her at all times; it was inane and unnecessary. Well, I had gotten to know Ms. Sarcasm pretty well by this time because she always talked to me about how Devil was 'soooooo into me' and how she thought I was 'sooooooo perfect', but we also talked about other stuff that means nothing now. After getting to know her, I felt pretty comfortable around her, except when she did the most annoying thing anyone could do to you when they're trying to help you with a 'relationship' or something of that nature, she fuckin' pulls me aside in front of EVERYONE and starts lecturing me like she's my mother. She'd be like 'you have to do this and that' and 'talk to her more' and so on and so on, spouting bullshit left and right. By this time, I was already unsure about Devil and this was not exactly helping. This persists for months, I'd go out on the weekend and there they were, waiting for me, and again, Ms. Sarcasm would pull me aside and have a 'chat'. If God gave Mercy Smiting as a lifeline, I would have used mine right then and there.

Where were my Guardian Angels to come save me from this part of Hell that just decided to pop up in the middle of fucking Bakersfield? Apparently, they were on a long ass lunch break. By the first month of this bullshit, I began to grow weary and didn't know how to deal with the insanity that had become my social life. Not only was I seeing Ms. Sarcasm face to face every weekend to get my 'talk', but Devil's little friends thought it was their single most purpose in life to fuck with mine.

Reason #2: BlondeDevil's friends were douche bags

Let me explain, every time I got out of my truck, there they were. They'd surround my Tacoma and barrage me with 'why don't you date [Devil], she really likes you' or 'stop being such an asshole and date her'. Why would I want to date a girl who's friends try to stomp my balls time and time again?

This whole situation was getting stale, I was emotionally drained and started getting weaker mentally. By this, I mean I was contemplating dating her just to get her friends to shut the fuck up. What was really bad was that during the weekdays, when I didn't have to deal with Devil's psychotic friends, I would still have to deal with Ms. Sarcasm and her power of persuasion. Even though it didn't work directly, she had a hand in me finally giving in. It took about two more months of bitching from the friends and counseling from Ms. Sarcasm before my mind snapped. In total, close to five months of my life was wasted trying to avoid dating this girl.

Reason #3: She just sucked in general, basically, I didn't like her personality

Devil seemed to be a very dull person, she didn't appeal to me in any way emotionally. How was I going to start liking a girl that I thought was less interesting than a brick. It just didn't make sense to me, but I guess, her tactics eventually worked.

Finally, it happened, I gave in and said that I would go out with her. [This next part was totally fucked up on my part, but whatever, she did it to herself when she had me get pressured into dating her]. After telling her I would finally give it a shot, she went out of town for, um, close to a week. In that period of time, I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I had been duped into doing this and decided to cut the bullshit out of my life. When she got back from her trip, I just straight up said that I wasn't going to go out with her and that nothing would change my mind. Thank you God, because after I said that, I was released from the hell that was the past five months.

[Side note: Reading this you only get a small idea of what truly happened, if I told you everything in full detail, you'd be emotionally scarred.]

After this fiasco was finished, I didn't really talk to Ms. Sarcasm for close to six months, probably more. Then, when I started to talk to her and things got cool between us again, she began apologizing constantly for her part in it. I'd be an ass every so often and bring up the whole 'Devil' issue and she'd apologize again for thirty minutes; this occurred about twice a week. Nowadays, things are fine between us, we've had our differences, gotten in a few fights, but nothing we didn't eventually get over. Yes, Ms. Sarcasm used to suck the big one, but now she's CAF aka Cool As Fuck. I eventually introduced her to Diljner, but that story is for another time. Right now, I think she is sorta trying to make up for her past by introducing me to her friend, extrEMO, but let's hope this one ends up better.

[Side note: Ms. Sarcasm, Diljner, extrEMO, and I were at the arcade a couple of weeks ago and Sarcasm fucking pulls me aside again to tell me some undisclosed information [something like "oh my fucking God, [Arrhythmia] is so hott, I wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"] and I was so fuckin' embarrassed and really pissed off that she did that; I didn't want to deal with this shit again. It's sort of funny, Diljner did the same thing, I thought he was going to tell me the same shit as Ms. Sarcasm, but I was wrong, he wasn't. When I mistook his secretive actions, I grabbed his throat and we proceeded to fight in the arcade, nothing major, but whatever. He ended up tripping me to end the squabble and all was fine. We then played KoF 2002 and 2003 to our heart's content while the girls got bored and talked to each other.]

sXeSicnessForevr: haha im finishin up another story
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: really?!?!?!?!?!??!
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: put me in it
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: and say i said "omfg [Arrhythmia] is so hott i wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"

Liar: The Queerboy

2004-11-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have to start off by telling you the set up to this conversation. Diljner and I had yet again taken the liberty to take CompulsiveLiar out of his gloomy home and into my truck to show him the beauties of Bakersfield [now there's an oxymoron]. Anyway, this whole thing started when Liar wanted us to pick up some beat girl [refer to 'The Day A Lot of Shit Happened: Parts 1 & 2' to get her description] so he could have relations with her; that's fucking gross... Not the act, but those two together, it's like two hogs fucking in mud. Anyway, Liar offered me $600 dollars to do this for him, so I had to call up the Dilj-meister to get his input on the situation. He straight up said "don't do it dude" and I knew I shouldn't, but he could also sense the urgency in my voice as I told him. Six hundred dollars is a lot of money and I'm not doing too well financially, so, this was either a Godsend, or a curse. After denying his first offer, Liar then offered a grand, a mother fucking grand...

Oh Jesus, what do I do...

De-fuckin'-nied! I couldn't do that to him and have that on my conscience the whole time, not that I would feel bad about taking his money, but if his mother found out or worse, if someone knew Diljner and I were aiding a minor into having sex, well, in our terms: "We see cops written all over this..."

Well, the rest of the day goes pretty much without a problem, Liar sustained his continuously annoying ways, but we ignore him, learning to do this after our first major encounter with him. He also kept asking us to pick up the beat chick from her school so he could fuck her in the bathroom, '007 style'. Bullshit, he wouldn't have time, especially at his psychiatrist appointment. No matter our our answer, he kept telling us that he could do it and that it would be great. Unless he claimed to have cronic constipation, he wouldn't have a reason to be in the bathroom that long... We also knew his judgement was clouded when he told us we couldn't get in trouble as adult because we aren't adults. According to him, you aren't an adult till you turned 21....idiot....

We were all tired of his bullshit by the time we had to take him to his appointment and we were still struggling with the 'pick the chick up' BS, so we just sorta became deaf to his rants, until I come up with defining question:

Me "How many relationships have you been in?"
Diljner "...Sexual relationships, buddy..."
Liar "Well, like sexually, like...five, relationship wise."
Diljner "BULLSHIT!!"
Liars [Mutters name Seth]
Me [Laughs uncontrollably]
Diljner "Who are we asking now?" [Chuckles]
Liar "I'm trying to remember...what's his name..."
Diljner "HIS name? Whadyou just say, Seth?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "It's a guy?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "You were in a sexual relationship with a guy?!"
Liar "NO!"
Me "Ughhh..." [Laughs]
Diljner "Oh dude, you were trippin' me out there for a minute..."
Me "[Liar]'s going to get his balls sucked by some dude..."
Diljner "Hahaha, ewwwww..."

And here is the one of the defining moments...

Liar "I only did that once..."
Diljner and Me "WHATTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!"
Liar "I'm kidding."
Diljner "Whoa dude, no no no no no, [Liar] just admitted himself to having his balls sucked by a dude...so..."
Me "....named SETH."
Diljner "...named Seth. He said only once though." [Laughs] "Makith that what you will, I, I mean, I don't know what to do with it..."
Me "We don't know what to do with [Liar] period."
Liar "FULL MOON ON A SATURDAY NIGHT."
Me "Full nude?"
Liar "Full moon!"
Diljner "He got his balls sucked full nude on a Saturday night."
Liar "I said 'full moon', 'full moon' man... 'Full moon.'"
Diljner "Okay...."
Me "You got your balls sucked on yo......"
Liar "Kidding..."
Me "Then why do you keep emphasising that?"
Liar "I don't know... Well, that, kinda...did..."
Me "Do you even know how to joke with that?"

Then something that disturbed Diljner and me both...

Liar [Starts talking, I soon cut him off]
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait....weren't you the one that said you were watching a porn, one day, and the guy was trying to eat his own cum and he was going AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGRRRRRHHHH!!!
Liar "Yeah."
Me "Yeah, why were you watching that?"
Diljner "Yeah, I'd like to hear this too, so..."
Liar "I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO..." [Laughs]
Diljner "No no no no..."
Me "I thought you said you were with a female cousin though, you're changing your story?"
Diljner "Eat a fucking peanut butter sandwich dude, don't sit there watching some dude trying to suck himself off, that's disgusting..."
Me "...eat his own....cum?"
Diljner "Whatever."
Liar "He got it though."
Me "Gah... [Liar chuckles] Oh, what?! You watched it that far?!
Diljner "Wow dude, you must have watched it for like... 10 minutes, I mean, 11 minutes..."
Me "Gahhhh...." [Shivers]
Liar "It's fifteen..."
Me "Damn!"
Diljner "It's fifteen minutes?"
Me "Oh my God! What is wrong with you dude?"
Diljner "[Liar], are you gay?"
Me "Partially..."
Liar "On a full moon." [While laughing]
Diljner "Oh God..."
Liar "I'm kidding..."
Diljner "Are you, heh?"
Liar "Yeah!"
Diljner "Wow dude...not..." [He just stops, completely speechless]

I am so thrown off by this that I am sort of driving a tad off...

Me "If I wreck, please, please don't blame me."
Diljner and Liar [Laugh]
Me "Please..."

Did you notice how many times he said he was kidding in that conversation? That just proved to me and Diljner that something was up and that he was, in fact, not kidding. Wow, that was distrubing and surprising hilarious. I never would have thought that this conversation would ever come up between me, Diljner, and Liar. I hope to God it's the last time......shit....

Diljner's Halloween Story

2004-11-08T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally found some time to write a new post. This is a story about my Halloween. By the end of this story, any nagging assumptions of me being an idiot will be confirmed.

It’s the day before Halloween, and we’re all excited. My girlfriend, we’ll call her Ms. Sarcasm, was returning from her vacation on Halloween. Arrhythmia and I are making all these kick ass plans of blowing shit up and robbing small children. We were like giddy little school girls. Our plans were to include Leafblower, Arrhythmia, Ms. Sarcasm, and myself all hanging out and doing the aforementioned. Halloween rolls around and due to disagreements between Arrhythmia and Sarcasm, our plans go horribly awry. But Sarcasm and I decide to just have a quiet night alone at my house watching scary movies and eating pizza. Arrhythmia and Leaf had a plan B as it seemed. So I went and picked up Sarcasm and we watched movies, and the night was slow but I was enjoying her company. Just as things are going fine, BOOM Arrhythmia and Leaf bust through my front door and head straight for the pizza. The night just got interesting. Leaf was dressed up as a badass cowboy. He had the hat, funny ass tight pants, boots and this pimp ass fucking belt buckle with a skull on it. That shit even came with a lighter and a bottle opener. He walks into my den and I’m laughing my fucking ass off. Here’s our conversation…

Diljner “I like your costume [Leaf], are you gay for Halloween?”
Leaf “Costume? This isn’t a fucking costume.”
Arrhythmia “HAHAHA.”

Well, there we are laughing, eating more pizza, having a great time. Sarcasm notices that Arrhythmia is wearing eye make-up. That was basically his costume. So she looks at me and asks if she can put make-up on me. At first this kind of disturbs me, but I decide ‘What the hell?’ So she puts make-up on me. Lipstick, eyeliner, the whole she-bang. I go take a gander in the mirror and to my great surprise, I look fucking pretty. Well anyways, Arrhythmia decides to part ways with us. As he is leaving I also notice that it’s getting a bit late and decide it’s time to take Sarcasm and Leaf home. This is where the story gets all sucky for Dilj-man.

We all hop in my car, and start to head to Leaf and Sarcasm’s part of town. All of a sudden Sarcasm says, “[Diljner] don’t we need gas?” I look at the gas gauge and I indeed do need gas. So we pull into the near-by 7/11. Now remember, I still look like a French whore, and we’re heading into public. Leaf and I get out and start to enter the 7/11. Sarcasm calls out from the car. “[Diljner], throw me the keys, I need to get my costume wings out of your trunk!” So I get the keys out of my pocket and I throw them. The next 5 seconds were slow motion for me. I watch as my car-keys sail up…. Up …. Up…and right on top of the fucking 20 foot high awning over the gas pumps. My stomach sinks, and my heart moves into my throat. I drop to my knees and start screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!” Just then I notice one of the Arabian 7/11 workers outside with a broom. Our conversation went something like this…

Diljner “Hey you! Hey! Do you have a fucking ladder? Hey Arabian guy! I’m fucking talking to you!
Arabian guy “My bro, no, uh…. No ladder! No ladder!
Diljner “FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! I just threw my fucking car keys up there!”

There I am, looking like a very ugly woman with sideburns. Screaming at a Saudi-Arabian convenience store worker.

At this point I’m just a whirl-wind of obscenities. A by-stander who saw the whole ordeal walks up to me and says, “Dude, you’re an idiot.” I look at him like ‘Thanks asshole, tell me something I don’t know.’ He then says, “But, I’m an idiot too, where do you live? I’ll give you a ride.” Wow, fucking saved. Thank you God! We walk over to his shitty ass beat up car. I think it was a Gremlin or some shit. Piss yellow with green primer all over it. But you know what? It was a vehicle and it was going to save us. At this point I’m so happy, he’s adjusting the back seat for us to sit in. We ask his name, he tells us that he is TJ. Well TJ you’re a fucking life saver. I walk around to the back of his car for some reason and apparently miss the following. Leafblower and Sarcasm are standing near TJ and he pulls out this big ass fucking hunting knife with an 8 inch blade. From this point on Sarcasm is fearing for her life, Leaf, on the other hand, isn’t really bothered by this. Here is their conversation from what they told me.

Leaf “TJ, your not gonna kill us are you bro?
TJ “Um… No, well, here I’ll put the knife in the back seat.
Sarcasm [Holding back from screaming]

He then puts the knife away right as I walk back. I say, “TJ, bro you rock man, we’d have had to walk all the way home and all the way back to the gas station. He smiles at me and I think that this TJ is quite the admirable fellow. Sarcasm runs up and starts hugging me. I look down and she reaches up to whisper in my ear… “[Diljner] this isn’t a good idea, I don’t feel safe getting in the car with this TJ guy.” I laugh and tell her how cute she is when she’s worried. [God I’m a prick] Keep in mind now that I have no clue that TJ has a knife that could kill a rhino. So I say “Get in Sarcasm.” And proceed to help her into the back seat of TJ’s ride. While in the car TJ tells us a story about a similar time he gave some folks a ride. Here is his story as he told it…

Dudes, this one time… I gave these fucks a ride. It was me and my brother and we picked them up and my brother sat in the back seat between the two of them. They looked fucking scary but my brother was carrying a double sided shank so he could stab them if they got squirly.

There was this silence for about a minute… then Leaf starts laughing his ass off. Sarcasm and I are a bit unnerved by TJ’s story. I live in a gated community so we have a code to get in the front gates. TJ asks me the code, and like a dumbass, I tell him it… He drives me right to my front door. We get out and bid him a fond farewell. We all agree that TJ is indeed, a fucking psycho. I run in and get my extra set of keys. Leaf and I have to walk back to the gas station, so we leave Sarcasm in my room and head out. The gas station is about 2 miles from my house, not the longest walk but it was fucking freezing. We finally arrive at my car, buy gas and coffee and leave to pick sarcasm back up. I was supposed to have Ms. Sarcasm home by 11:45… It was now almost 1:00. When we arrive at her house I have to explain to her mother the whole ordeal. I still don’t think she believes me yet. After dropping them off, I start to head home. There’s no traffic, and I have some time to reflect on what transpired this night. I then realize, “OH SHIT, fucking psycho TJ knows where I live. He knows my gate combination… He knows where my fucking car keys are!!! FUCK! I’m Fucking DEAD!” I didn’t sleep well that night. Every noise I heard I had to investigate and make sure it wasn’t that fucker TJ and his knife.
*It is confirmed… Diljner is an idiot*

Um, Yea...

2004-11-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

Again, we must apologize to our adoring fans for the lack of posts in the past couple of days. We are currently numbing our brains out with economic gibberish so as to produce the so called, 'promised shirts'. Yea, you know, the ones we were going to make for you guys? Well, we're getting stalled on that, but expect a new story soon enough.

Later cheeseheads

The Day a Bunch of Shit Happened [Part Deux]

2004-11-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

Ah, hello again children. Where did we leave off? Oh yes! We had just finished being screened by Liar’s psychiatrist and were now on our way to the costume store. We arrive at the shopping center where the costume shop is. We see two homeless people hitting up countless vehicles for cash. We lose sight of them and proceed to park. Right as we park, out of nowhere come the two bums. Now, before I go into this any further… Let me explain to you Liar’s little predisposition to randomly give out large amounts of money he may be carrying to people he doesn’t even know. Its part of his condition I guess. The kid’s fucking screwed up. Anyways, the homeless people approach Arrhythmia’s truck. Here’s the conversation…

Diljner “Fuck! They have us surrounded!
Arrhythmia “What are we going to do?”
Diljner “Fuck this! I’m gonna get out and say something!”
[Opens car door]
Bum #1 “Sir, could you spare a bit of change?”
Diljner “Oh… Sorry man, I’m all tapped out… see that guy in the truck [Arrhythmia] I’m sure he can help you out.
Arrhythmia “Dude, [Diljner], what the hell? You're an asshole..."[forks out a dollar]
Diljner “Every man for himself!”
[I know, I know… I’m a dick]

The bums offer to wash Arrhythmia’s windows for some money. So, Leaf generously offers them money to do so. After handing them like $2, the bums start to head over to wash his windows. Arrhythmia screams, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don’t touch my windows!!!” Needless to say they backed the fuck off. At this point I’m laughing my ass off. So the bums make off with Leaf’s money and they did no work for it. He was pretty pissed off. These two bums were unusually fucking happy for somebody in there position after we gave them like 3 bucks all together. They were all smiles and shit. They run off giggling amongst themselves. We enter the costume store. We go to the back of the shop where the masks are located. The kid working there looked to be about 12 years of age. As we look at the masks, Liar looks at me and Leaf and decides to give us both $20. Leaf’s face lights up but I take the 20 away from him and give Liar the $40 back. Again, the kid’s sick. The guy working there goes, “Hey, let him hand out free money if he wants to.” I gave that fucker a look that could kill. He got all quiet and fidgety after that… what a puss. None of us found anything this trip. So, we decided to just take off. Liar suddenly exclaims, “Oh shit, I gave those bums a fucking $20 bill!”

Leaf, Arrhythmia, Diljner [Simultaneous UGH!]

Well, we finally found out why these bums were so fucking euphoric. The little dick acts like we’re supposed to help his little punk ass out of his predicament. Since we knew that he gave them the money on purpose, we made the little shit go over and try to get his money back alone. We were making wagers as to whether or not Liar would return with his anal virginity intact. He comes walking back, sure enough with his $20. What an awkward situation. Well, we’re now in the truck beginning to pull out when Liar has another exclamation… “Dudes, I gotta call this hot girl, she’s hot… hott!” Well, we decided that if she was in fact, a hotty… that Liar must indeed call her. He wanted Arrhythmia to go pick her up from her house. Liar calls the girl up. He’s chatting to her, and I’m beginning to question if this girl is but a fictional character in Liar’s fucked up little world… So I ask to talk to her. Well, sure enough, she was real. And apparently she was really into Liar. Something had to be wrong, I thought, but Liar assured us that she was indeed hot and that he had to see her today. He then offered Arrhythmia $20 to pick her up, but he was beginning to decline when Leaf and I say, "no dude, take it! It's gas money...". Needless to say, he eventually accepted. Before we started to go, Liar asked Arrhythmia if we could drive her around and he told him that she wouldn't fit. Well, Liar handed Arrhythmia 20 more dollars and said, "make her fit..." Arrhythmia exclaimed, "She'll fit." We get the directions from her and off we go. She gave Liar some shitty ass directions too. It took us like 45 fucking minutes to find her house. Well we found her house, and her. Boy, did we find her. This chick was so fucking beat, I cannot begin to describe it. Like, imagine a fetus… well, take that fetus and super-size it… and put some fucked up hair on it, there she is! Well, we tell Liar to get in the car and we just drive off. Needless to say Liar was pissed and we were laughing our asses off. Well, the day pretty much dwindled down from there. We went to Arrhythmia’s house and Liar’s mom came and picked his ass up. Thank god. Leaf and I went and bought some Take-n-bake pizza and we all watched the world series. All in all it was one of the most interesting days we’ve had in a while.

*Why I said black people would be offended by this post… [Diljner’s little side story]

We were leaving from the mall, we drove by this Jack in the Box that was currently being renovated. Here’s Leaf’s little comment about the JITB.

Leaf “Dude, I hope that when they rebuild that Jack in the Box, they put up a sign that says ‘NO NIGGARS!’ They’ll never get the smell out from last one!”

Me and Arrhythmia are tripping off of his comment. He then says, “What? You fucks were thinking it too.”

*The editors of Leafblower blog are not racist… nor is Leafblower himself. We hate everybody the same. If you feel that you have not been hated upon equally by us, send us an email and we will do our best to ruin your shit to your satisfaction. Thank you… [The Leafblower Staff.]

Computer Owns Console; Leaf Throws Fit

2004-11-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

Trip time, yet again; this time: BestBuy - Day of the Liar. You should all remember this, when Liar got dropped off at his psychiatrist appointment, Leaf, Diljner, and I took a trip to BestBuy so I could buy a copy of Dawn of the Dead [which I have yet to watch.....*grrr*] and to get one for Liar, since, he annoyed us into getting it. I was stoked [forgive me] to get it, seeing that it's my favorite movie this year. So after this we travel around a bit, looking at music, going to software, then to the laptops. Well, while looking at the laptops, Leaf spots the "Sonic the Hedgehog Compelation" or whatever. It basically has 7 of the past Sonic games on it, Sonic 1, 2, 3, Sonic and Knuckles, Sonic Spinball, etc. So he has this genius plan, since the game is 'relatively' cheap, ....he can use the left over money that Liar gave him to purchase DotD to buy the game! Oh shit, now we gotta make up a lie for him to tell Liar so he can use it, we do that later on though.

Anyway, after getting the game, Diljner and Leaf spot the Xbox arena area, by the games, freak out, and run over to it. The game they pick doesn't seem to work, so I plop down in the seat next to them and try playing the basketball game. I get Leaf to join me, but the remote he gets seems to be just as fucked up as the one from the other game. So, I play by myself for like three minutes, and I get my shit ruined by the computer. I am sorta shamed, but since I'm not a console gamer, I don't really care. After this, we're just sitting and I see a BestBuy guy and tell him that the controller is messed up. After 5 minutes of getting a battery and screwing with the Xbox, he gets it to work. Let's hear it for asking for help! So, Leaf and I get on seperate teams and the 'supposed' slaughter of my team is about to occur. You can tell Leaf is a little more confident in his playing than I am, so the game starts off a tad shitty for me. He slams the ball on his first shot...what the hell man, I don't even know how to pass...

Me "[Leaf], how'd you do that?"
Leaf "I don't know..."
Me "No really, how'd you do it?"
Leaf "I just pressed a button."
Me "Shit, how do you pass!!" [shoots ball on accident from half court *slaps forehead*]
Leaf and Dilj [Laugh]
Me "How do you pass!"
Leaf "I don't know, I don't have an Xbox, try A."
Diljner "It's pretty damn close to a GameCube."
Leaf "NO IT'S NOT!"
Diljner "Whatever..."
Me "Oh, that's how you pass... How do you slam again?"
Leaf "I don't know."
Me "Fine."

We play for one quarter [I set it to 5 minutes for that particular game]. And during the beginning, like I said, it looked like Leaf was going to pwn me. Hehehe, nope, his ass got smashed. I start busting out my mad gaming skillz, because apparently, I'm so good, I can rape on console too. I miss a few shots, get the ball stolen from me a few times, but in the end the score ended up being like: Me: 23 Leaf: 12. Can you say raped without lubricant? I know I can...several times. When the end of the quarter came...oh shit, look out!

Diljner "HAHAHAHAHA," [I'm laughing too] "...you just lost to a computer gamer [Leaf]!"
Me [Still laughing my ass off with Diljner]
Diljner "He NEVER plays console games, and you lost to him!! HAHAHAHAHA!!"
Leaf "I don't play Xbox asshole. Plus, he got to play for 5 minutes before me."
Me "Wha?! That doesn't mean shit man, I never play these stupid things."
Leaf "Doesn't fucking matter! You still played before me!"

By this time, we're making a small scene, not that anyone was looking, or really even cared, but we started getting loud.

Diljner and Me "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Leaf [Gets up with with real stern face and starts like freaking out in the middle of BestBuy, sorta flailing his arms around everywhere like he's about to bring the beatdown to me and/or Diljner] "Fuck you guys!"

He then tries to walk away from us, we are still cracking up as this happens...

Diljner "Haha, you still lost to a computer gamer..."

Alright, alright, let me explain the significance of this event in more detail. I've already explained that Diljner and I are computer gamers to the extreme. We shun consoles and most console gamers. We just find them to be pieces of shit that are far below computer game standards. We never play consoles, nor will we ever, unless it's for the sake of Halo 2 or something to that nature. We play games like: Counter-Strike 1.6, Counter-Strike: Source, Battlefield 1942, Call of Duty, War Hammer 40,000 - Dawn of War, games from the Star Wars Series, etc. Yes, we are computer nerds, but if you base everything else you know about us, our awesomeness cancels that shit out. Now, Leaf is a switch hitter in the gaming world. He plays computer games with us [rarely], but also plays games like Metroid Prime at home on his GameCube. He knows how to play console a lot better than I do, this is why we ragged his ass about the humiliating defeat casted down upon him by yours truly. It was a beautiful sight indeed.

After the scene we caused, things died down and we went to the registers to buy our stuff. Liar gave Leaf somewhere around 30 dollars to buy DotD for him and the movie ended up being like 15 bucks on some sale. Leaf took this to his advantage and only ended up spending like 8 dollars of his own money to get the game. Yes, we're all going to burn in hell....naw, we rock too much. This was our excuse to Liar though:

Us "Uh yea dude, the movie was like 25 bucks..."
Liar "Thanks guys!"
Us "....uh...yea..."

Then we went on to suffer a few more hours with Liar, but you'll read about that in "The Day A Bunch of Shit Happened [Part 2]".

The Grenade In [Ear] Tragedy

2004-10-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, so let's venture back to July 4th of this year. It was a grand 'ol time, Leaf, Diljner, and I were spending the night over at my house making all sorts of 'firework' goodies. Well, it just so happens that after all of our fireworks were used, we decided to get creative. Not that creative, mind you, since about half of the teenage population was doing this, but we started to make Piccolo Pete bombs. Can you say w00t? Well anyway, we started making them and I was all to new to the 'sport', so I had to be taught. Well after like 5 minutes, I was basically a pro. I was makin' bombs left and right and we were blowing them up like no body's fuckin' business. Well, we sorta had a competition going on who can make the best bomb. Well, Diljner had a big explosion, I had a loud ass one, but Leaf, took the fucking cake. Not that his was all big or loud or anything, cause, well basically, his sucked nuts, but it did do one thing Dilj's and mine didn't, it made a basket in my basketball hoop; now that's fucking talent. Anyway, this went on for quite a while and I kept making bombs because I was now addicted. I would put 2 piccolo petes in, then 3, then 4. After that I stopped because it was now 11 o'clock, [I seem to be cursed at this time of night], and I lit my quad stacked piccolo bomb. I walked inside to get a drink when I heard the biggest fuckin' explosion. Apparently, I woke up four of my neighbors, it was that fuckin' loud...

Yea, basically, that was our cue to stop all the madness and go on to doing other things, like eating and sleeping, you know, typical guy shit. Well, we also had to stop because I woke mother dearest up, and um, she wasn't too pleased. Seeing that my mom was pissed, we collected the remaining 29 Piccolo Petes and they are now stored in my room, in fact, I'ma use them tonight, *evil* hehehe... Well, our night was technically over and all seemed to be said and done, till I found the popper jiggs, you know, the things you throw on the ground and they *pop*. This night was not used to throw them on the ground, though, but it was going to be a night used to throw them at each other. Yes, 'twas going to be a magical night. Welp, we got going, and it seemed to be me and the Dilj-er against the almighty Leafblower. Seems unfair? You bet your ass it was. So we're going at it, you can see the visible fear/anger in Leaf's eyes at his "unfortunate" predicament, and he was going to go out in a bang, or so he thought...

So, it's 11:10 and the poppy jiggs are flying through the air, we're having a good 'ol time, then .....I do what I always do, I grab about 20 of the suckers and throw them all at once. Can you even guess what happend? Leaf takes about 10 direct hits, one of which seemed to hit him directly in the right ear. His ass dropped like a fuckin' rock on one of my neighbors driveways and his glasses go flying. Diljner and I went into shock, we stood there, eyes wide open, mouths dropped, and looking at each other for whatever explanation we could think of. Then I go and be an ass and decide that I should unarm the injured Mexican. So, I run up, and start stepping on his popper jiggs so he has none left and I take the ones from his hand. His ass isn't going to surprise me with some popping pain. We then question him to see what happend. Apparently, when the popper hit him in the ear, it fucked up his equalibrium and he blacked out and fell. Diljner and I cracked up. We were laughing a good three minutes before we started to help him. After that, the night pretty much died and we went on our merry ways. After the incident though, we ragged on Leaf for about a month. I swear, that shit will never get old.

Atreyu4301: haha
Atreyu4301: your referring to when we assaulted [Leaf] on july 4th correct?
sXeSicnessForevr: yes
sXeSicnessForevr: very much so
sXeSicnessForevr: haha
Atreyu4301: LOL
Atreyu4301: he got effing pwned

The Day A Bunch of Shit Happened [Part 1]

2004-10-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

[*WARNING... This post will display dialogue that may offend 'some' races... Who am I kidding? Black people.This post may offend Black People. Unless you are a black person with a sense of humor... In which case you will find this post mildly amusing.]

This little tale is from about three days ago. Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I decide to take a day from our busy schedules and just hang out like we used to. You know, before we had RESPONSIBILITY. Anyways, CompulsiveLiar somehow learns of our plans and convinces Arrhythmia to let him go with us. Well, although Liar may be a lying little douche, he still makes for some good stories. I am going to document our day as it happened. Here we go.

1:00 pm
Arrhythmia comes to my house with Liar and picks me up. We then proceed to the Leaf Meister's house. The whole wayto Leaf's house Liar is already acting squirly as fuck. He informs us that he's carrying $100. At this point I'm thinking "Oh shit, I'm going to have to baby-sit this irresponsible little bastard and make damned sure he doesn't give his money away to random strangers. If he's handing out money WE'D better be the ones getting our hands on it. [Aren't I charming?]

1:30
We pick up Leaf and decide to go to the Valley Plaza [Mall] to play some King of Fighters. While strolling over to the arcade, we walkby this plus sized Goth-store. This is literally a store specifically for fat goth chicks. Although the three of has have passed this store billions of times, it never fails to make us giggle. We decide that we are hungry and head to the food court before we hit the arcade. We all order our food and sit down at a nice table, with nice temperatures and pleasant company. What could go wrong. Let me start this segment by saying that the pizza I ordered was very greasy. My Sbarro was dripping with grease. Half way into whatever conversation we were having, I look up to a banner hanging from the ceiling. [My face goes blank] I'm just staring at the banner with wide eyes. Arrhythmia and Leaf notice my odd behavior and ask me what the fuck I'm staring at. I say, "Dudes, thats a fucking Kotex sign... In the food court..." On the banner was a picture of a female's bloated abdomen, and underneath were the words... "Kotex fits, period." At this point, I have RED pizza grease running down my chin and we're all pretty grossed out. Needless to say, we lost our appetites. We decide to put away memories of leaky female cotton stopper advertisements and hit the arcade. We arrive at the arcade and Leaf promptly challenges me to a friendly game of Ridge-Racer."Ok, Dick!", I reply. So we're off, first I'm winning, then he's winning. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Then 3 minutes into the match we get bored and leave the Ridge-Racer machines.

2:00
King of Fighters ACTION! w00t! Arrhythmia raped us, as usual. We still had fun though. Right smack in the middle of our KoF happy-fun-time, Arrhythmia gets a gentle tug on his sleeve. It's Liar, asking Arrhythmia to go to the Van's store with him to get a belt. Arrhythmia is in a fervent KoF match with Leaf and is not really paying attention to Liar's plea's. Absent mindedly, he tells Liar to ask me to go with him. Thanks much, Arrhythmia, you Dick. Anyway, he approaches me and I pretend not to notice. I look upon Leaf and Arrhythmia's match with mock interest. Finally he pokes me hard enough to break my "Concentration" and says, "Hey, Diljner, come to the Van's store with me. I don't want to go alone." I should mention that Liar is 15 years old. "Dude, your what, like fifteen years old? You can't go alone?", I reply. He kept fucking begging me until finally I caved in and growled a mighty "FUCK!". Here we go. I walk with him to get his stupid belt.

2:30
Liar and I enter the Van's store and make our way to the belts. This hippy douche-bag behind the counter kept looking at me funny. Anyways, Liar peruses through the belts, singing softly to himself. [What a twat]. Then he asks the Hippy-douche how much a particular belt cost that he liked. Upon recieving his answer, Liar puts the belt back and says that he can get it for much cheaper somewhere else. Needless to say, at this point I'm pretty pissed off. Liar can tell. We walk back to the arcade and game on for another half hour. What a waste of my precious time.

3:00
After getting our fill of KoF goodness, we decide it's time to go to the costume shop to get some idea's for our costumes. Liar informs Arrhythmia that he has a psychiatrist appointment that he simply must attend... right at that moment. Well, we're off to the psychiatrist's office. Liar asks that we please wait for him to get finished. Being that his mother would be at the appointment, Liar did not want to have to go home with her. He informed us that if we stayed, we would get to play... get this... Halo 2. Fucking Halo 2.What does this kid fucking take us for? We know that the Halo 2 release date is more than two months off. So, going on the assumption that Leaf, Arrhythmia and I have the IQ of a fucking Koala bear, Liar continues to assault us with his lies. The 3 of us already know he's full of shit, but we go anyways.

3:20
We arrive at the psychiatrist's office and the first thing out of Arrhythmia's mouth is...
Arrhythmia "Where the hell is Halo 2?"
Diljner "This kid told us you have Halo 2"
Seceratary "Umm, no we don't have Halo 2 here, sorry"
Liar "Yes you do"
Seceratary "I'm sorry? No, no we don't"
Liar "Yes you do, I've played it here"
Seceratary [Blank stares at the 4 of us]

3:30
Needless to say, we got the flying fuck out of that awkward situation. We went to Best Buy, it was kind of nice to get away from Liar for a bit. He was annoying the fuck out of us. We sat down, and played 'Console games'. Leaf is something of a console gamer but touching a game-pad is like blasphemy to Arrhythmia and me. But we had nothing else to do so we played away. Leaf, thinking he was a badass 'Console gamer' decides to challenge Arrhythmia to a game of some X-box basketball game. Arrhythmia agrees, although he doesn't play console games... or sports games for that matter. Arrhythmia fucking raped Leaf without lubricant. It was I who first made the observation that the 'Console Gamer' got his shit ruined by the 'PC gamer'. [Good times] Leaf was all butt-hurt but he got over it.

4:15
Time to go pick up liar. We were reluctant to go pick him up. We were half contemplating just leaving him there. But that would be fucked up... and we're only fucked up about 75% of the time. So we head back to the psychiatrist's office to get his lying ass. He's outside of the office waiting for us. He asks that we go in and meet his psychiatrist. We're like, what? We're not stupid, we know that this douche is in fact screening us [His friends] to see if we're contributing to Liar's problem. But, we were promised candy so we agreed to meet the guy. We walk in and he comes out of his office witha plastic forced ass smile. Here's the conversation...
Leaf "Wheres the candy?"
Diljner "Yeah, he promised us candy"
[We'll call the psychiatrist Dr. Dick]
Dr. Dick [Blank stare with his mouth half open]
Dr. Dick "Anyways, what are your names?"
Diljner "I'm Dil-"
[Liar busts through our conversation]
Liar "Thats [Diljner], [Arrhythmia], and [Leafblower].

This guy was eyeballing us hardcore. Truthfully it was kinda pissing me off. Well finally we got out of there and finally started to head to the costume store.

[It seems that this post is going to be very long, so I'm going to break it into two parts... I know, I know. I promised that black people would be offended by this post. But, sadly most of the offensive dialogue is in part 2. So, your just goingto have to wait until tomorrow.... Niggers.]

Sometimes Friends Are Beyond Annoying

2004-10-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

You know, my friends and I are a pretty tight group, we all know each other and get along great. There is one slight problem though, my friend, who's more of an acquaintance rather than a friend, CompulsiveLiar. He is a cool guy, but it seems like he tries to hard, and Diljner, Leaf, and I swear he lies to us constantly. He gives us bullshit times and then changes it last minute to an earlier time to fuck up our fun, told us his psychiatrist has Halo 2, which, may I remind you, isn't even out till November, seems to have a falsity in every story he tells us, not to mention that he says the girls he knows are hot when, in fact, they are beat as all hell. Now that I gave you an insight to Liar, I'll give you today's little plight [for me].

Today started off well, I woke up around 10:30, since I have denied myself major sleep the entire week, [as happens in all weeks]. Well, I start to clean my room around 1 PM and I get a phone call, can you guess who it is? Well, first of all he starts talking to me about his problem, which I will not go into, and then my hell begins... He proceeds to ask me if he can hang out with me today and I reply that I am busy, very busy because it is my mother's birthday and my buddy Tony's birthday. This means I'm booked for the entire day and can't do shit. Well, Liar doesn't accept this and continues to try to manipulate me with the "I'm leaving for a month," bullshit so I'll crack; guess what, didn't work. Anyway, I give him the truthful excuse that I'm extremely busy and must run personal errands and see how tomorrow is going to pan out. Well, he fucking CONTINUES to ask me if he can just 'hang out with me while I run the errands', and I again say no. Something in him does not click that I don't need nor want him around today. Finally, after several minutes of dodging his questions, he lets me go....

Close to fifteen minutes later, I get another call, not to my surprise, it's Liar. Apparently, he is desperate to get out of his house and barrages me with 'can I come with you please' bullshit a little more. I like the kid, but when I say no, I mean it. Oh my God, he doesn't get it! No matter how many times I say no, he just won't accept it. He then asks what makes my errands so 'personal'. I was going to say, "Dude, do not question my reasons," but I decided to be cool about it and just say, "Dude, don't do this to me, please..." He apologized for some reason and thus ended conversation number two.

I was again happy and sorta getting my room clean when I heard that dreaded noise again... *Ring ring* ...Fuck... I go and get the phone and the irritation must be somewhat noticeable in my voice. Liar seemed to think that it was his duty to piss me the fuck off today because he was getting the job done quite well. So we talk...again about the fuckin' hangin' out and I'm like tweakin' out, trying to let him down gently, but wanting to faceplant his fragile psyche into the cement floor. Well, after this goes on for a little longer, he finally asks me about Halloween night and what I'm going to do. I tell him that I'm chilling with Diljner and two other mighty fine ladies, [if one of them imperticular shows up], and he gets all giddy or some shit. He then asks me if he can come. First thought in my head, "He is NOT going to fuck this up for me." So I tell him that it's not my call and that he must call Diljner, since it was originally his idea and that it will be at his house. I didn't lie, don't judge me *smiles*. I proceed to give him Dilj's number so he can call his house and get his work number from Dilj's half-retarded sister. I told him that if he came in touch with the Dilj-meister, that I'll talk to him about it, and not to Liar, but he thought that was an open invitation to call me again. *sigh* Come the fuck on!

Five minutes later, I'm about to shoot myself. *Ring ring* ARRRRGGGHHH!! "Hello?" By this point, you don't even need me to explain who it was. He just calls me to tell me that Dilj says "no, he can't come..." I'm in heaven and think that I'm in the clear. Wrong-o... So we discuss this and how I should use my favor with the Dilj and get Liar in on the gig. That was not going to fuckin' happen if I had anything to do with it. He kept saying, "Let me go, I'll bring that girl from before..." No...she was beat anyway. So I finally get him off the line and start to finally clean, when the phone rings again. God hates me this day for some reason. Is it because I listen to music that swears or because I use racist words sometimes just because I'm a moron? I don't know what his reason was, but he hasn't got to smiting Liar for calling me four times already. Anyway, this time when he called he told me that Dilj said "Yes, I can come." *Blank look of despair and anger* I wanted to kill Diljner right then and there. There was absolutely NO reason for him to do this to me, in fact, to himself, what was he thinking?!

I then talk to Liar about what's going to go down and make it my goal to drive over to Dilj's work and 'talk him out of this', because I didn't know his work number. So after Liar finally hangs up, I get my room done, finally, and my dad came home and gave me even more errands to run. So I go and do what I set out to do in the first place, I confront that fucker Diljner. After arriving at his job and saying "Hi" to his grandmother, who is his boss, I get him to go to his office and proceed to ask him, in only the way I could, why the fuck he let Liar in on the fun for Halloween. He seemed a tad...um, disheveled. He didn't know what I was talking about. I then asked him if Liar had even called him. He told me no and we got a good laugh out of it because, well, that's why we call him CompulsiveLiar. I then proceed to tell him how Liar called me five times within a 45 minute period. He seemed upset with that as well as entertained. After we got our laughs and, *ahem* 'comments' out, I left and went to do my errands. I was glad the hell was over.

Did I mention God hates me today?

After I get home from doing my chores, er, errands, I begin to work on my mother's birthday card. I hear the phone again and run to get it [my father's asleep in his room and wouldn't try bothering to get it]. Guess who it fucking is... "Hello, oh, hey Liar..." Apparently, he wanted to call and apologize about his super-disrupting calls earlier. I told him not to worry because I was merely bothered and not angry. So he goes on about what's going on on Halloween. I asked him again if he had talk to Dilj and he lies to me again and says yes. Wow...just....wow. I then tell him what's going down, again, and he tells his mom. I can hear in the background what he is saying and am stabbing myself at his every word.

Liar "Mom! Shut up and listen to me. Can I go and hang out with [Arrhythmia] tomorrow? We're going to watch 'Dawn of the Dead' with him and [Diljner] and, and....that other guy...
Mom "[Leaf]?
Liar "Yea, him. It's going to be around 6 or 7 tomorrow and it's going to be at [Arrhythmia]'s house."
Me [Holding on the phone] "Uh..., no, it's at [Diljner]'s."
Liar "Here talk to [Arrhythmia]."
Mom "Hi [Arrhythmia]."
Me "Uh, hi, anyway, what he just told you was wrong. It's not going to be at my house, it's going to be at [Diljner]'s house and the people he said were going to be there was wrong too. It's going to be me, [Diljner], [Dilj]'s girlfriend, and [unnamed]. Also, I can't give you a definite time on when it is going to be because we aren't sure ourselves. But, like I said before, I don't know how it's going down because it's going to have to be up to [Diljner]'s grandmother. Also, again, I must remind you that I'm not sure on the time either, but it should be around then.

The whole time I'm just regretting leading her on like this because of Liar's obnoxious habit of, well, lying.

Mom "Thank you [Arrhythmia]."
Me "Not a problem... Bye..."
Mom "Bye."

The conversation with Liar is insignificant after that and I go on with my drawing of my mother's birthday card. Arg, I didn't know what to do. After talking to Liar's mom, I told him to call Diljner at his house around 7. Proceeding this, I tell Dilj that Liar is going to call and to "Let him down gently, please." He promptly agreed and we went on our merry worth. Hopefully, our plan will pan out. If not, this is going to suck ass for Liar. Hell, it's going to suck for him anyway...
Atreyu4301: I can't wait for [Liar] to call
Atreyu4301: I'ma pwn his ass
sXeSicnessForevr: hahaha
sXeSicnessForevr: be gentle fucker
sXeSicnessForevr: or ill rip you a new one
Atreyu4301: I'll gently pwn him

The Almighty Rating System

2004-10-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Throughout the time I've known Leafblower, we have done many stupid things, as well as many memorable ones. We have talked about things that may be taboo to the most religious and even to the most dispicable. But, after many times of talking about other things, we decided to create our own scale of 'hotness'. This pretains to girls in all degrees and our scale is probably used in the same sense by other guys, so don't say we stole it or whatnot because, well, we just created it one night in mad hilarity.

Leaf and Arrhythmia's Scale of Hotness:

6 - Oh man, I'd do her...
7 - She's fuckin' hot
8 - Wow, she's beautiful
9 - I'd marry that girl
10 - Beyond words...ever

Hehe, I bet you're wondering, "But where are numbers 1-5?" There is a very simple explanation for this... See, if you're within the 1 to 5 rating, you don't even deserve to be rated, you are that fucking bad. If you want us to rate you like that, we have 'technically' made a scale for that, but it's too cruel. *smiles* Maybe when I'm in a nasty mood I'll post it, but for now, this is all you people get.

Oh yea, P.S. - My mom says that this scale is degrading to girls and that I shouldn't even mention it to them, ever, but sadly, her advice was not taken, as you can already tell. Plus, I don't see the degregation in this scale, in fact, I think it's gold.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

2004-10-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been tempted to do something you knew was completely and utterly wrong, didn't want to, but just felt like it had to be done? Well, we all have had this dilema one time or another, but Leafblower and I just had it happen just two days ago [Friday, morons].

As it can probably be deciphered from the title, our little conscience tester dealt with money, and lots of it. When I mean lots, I mean well over 400 dollars. The story basically starts off like so: The Leafster and I were at the 3-D Arcade in the mall, like usual, playing KoF '01 and '03, getting our asses beaten by a guy here and there, and takin' each other down in fair amounts. Well, this seemed just like an average visit, no problems or surprises. This time, I decided to bring some unspent tokens, so I didn't have to get any out of the machine, but I did go by it, and nothing seemed awry. After the twenty or so minutes that we spent there went by, we started to leave. [Leaf always gets tired of playing after losing a few times, usually, but he seemed bored more easily that day]. Well, as we are exiting the doors, Leaf takes a sudden detour toward the change machines. I am completely oblivious to this and continue walking. Thinking he was behind me, but really talking to myself, I realize the little bugger [hah] is really infatuated with said machine. Well, it turns out the bastard notice that it was open...yes, completely open with oodles of cash. We then encountered the dilema stated in the beginning of this. What did we do? What do you think, we had conscience issues...

Me "What the hell are you doing?"
Leaf "Dude, check this out..."
Me [Questioned look]
Leaf "It's open."
Me "...the hell?"
Leaf "It's full of money."
Me "Did you take some?"
Leaf "No."
Me "Do you want to?"
Leaf "I was thinking about it..."

The truth is folks, Leaf and I are too honest for our own good. There is no way in hell we would take that money. I mean, I egged him on to do it for a little bit, but it came from little kids and their parents who played games there and plus it belonged to the mall [Side note: there was a huge stack of ones and an even bigger stack of fives, with quarters to spare]. Neither of these were the main reason we did this...

Leaf "...I dunno, it wasn't open before, maybe this is on one of those Dateline Specials."
Me "Haha, maybe..." [Looks on ceiling of arcade for cameras, spots none]

After a few more minutes of telling each other to take the money, but then thinking no, we shouldn't, we look around and check out the Mod Hatter across the way to see if anyones looking, no one... Well, after looking inside of it, checking around, and then looking in again, we decided to tell the people at the haircutting place, since the buzzer for the arcade guy didn't seem to work. They didn't know what the hell to think at the hair place, so we just chilled at the arcade for a little bit longer. Still looking for those damnded Dateline cameras, we found out we could actually lock the big ass machine and then we went on our merry way. Leaf kept talking about it like he regretted not doing it. I sorta did too, but eh, I'm human. He was talking about paying me back with it or buying a hat or some shit, I dunno. The rest of the day was normal after that. It just goes to show you, Dateline makes you fuckin' paranoid...hahaha...

Conversation of the Moment

This occured today with a fellow co-worker of mine [MexicanaBlanca] on a recent new-hire.

Me "Hey, you know how you said there was an ugly girl and a hot girl who got hired? Well, which is which?"
MB "The fat one is the ugly one..."
Me "So the skinny one is the hot one?"
MB "Yea, 'cept she's sorta busted."
Me "Her nose is busted."
MB "Her face is busted."
Me "Now, by busted, you mean ran over by a car..."
Me "From before, by hot, you mean ran over by a car..."
MB "Yea, basically..."

God, isn't it a wonder why some people think I'm a jerk?

Follow-Up

2004-10-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I'm going to have to have the final word because I'm getting some bad rap here...

Leaf was 18 at the time of the 'Hot-Tub Incident', said girls in the story were 14. So, lay the fuck off and stop saying stupid shit to me...you don't know what went on exactly.

The Hot-Tub Incident

2004-10-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

This little tale is the result of a story Leafblower told Arrhythmia and I some time ago. It turns out that one night a while back, Leaf and this "girl" he met had a few drinks and were pretty much in the mood, [So he told us]. Anyways, Leaf and "The Chick" made out a bit and she was apparently going to do him a "FAVOR". But "The Chick's" mom or aunt or whoever it was came home early from where they were at. So no play-play for the Leaf Meister. Leaf was 17 at the time, and I believeI remember him telling us that she was 15. No big deal, just a simple story right? WRONG! This is the part of my tale where Arrhythmia's incessant assholishness and Leaf's storytelling habits come back to bite Leaf in the ass.

So, there we are, on the cruise ship, bored as hell, watching fucking Fern Gully: The Last Rain-Forest [8 fucking times]. Anyways, Arrhythmia finally had enough of being cooped up in our little cabin and expressed that he wanted to go to the hot-tub. Leaf and I happily agreed. We were all three single at the time, and the prospect of cruise-booty was to much to pass up. So, we get in our trunks and head over to the pool deck. We approach the hot-tub, and not surprisingly it's full of girlies. These particular girls were marginally cute, no, I mean beat as fuck... Perhaps a bit young for us, but we decided "What the hell."We were sure we could at least have a little fun messing with these girls. So, we ask if it's alright if we join them. They examine us, whisper amongst themselves, and then happily agree to our company. We hop in, and not two minutes into whatever conversation we were having Leaf has these chicks laughing their asses off. They were kind of annoying. Keep in mind that the particular cruise line we went on boarded in the deep south. So, all of the girls had that annoying ass southern drawl. And that funky ass half-retarded laugh. But what the hell, like I said, they were marginally cute [X], and undoubtedly interested in us. Well, it was going great, we were having fun, laughing and everything seemed to be going great. Right? WRONG AGAIN! Arrhythmia has a tendency to go somewhat overboard when he's telling a story.I have no clue how this came across, but right as things were going awesomely, Arrhythmia shouts out, "Oh yeah, Leaf. What about that drunk 15 year old girl you took advantage of! HAHAHAHA!" I was in fucking awe. Everyone just looked at Leaf. Complete and utter silence befell the hot-tub. There was a short time of abismal silence with some chit-chattering here and there, but not like it was before. Then, without saying a word, the girls got out and left. Not even really a goodbye, just a pitiful glance back at Leaf. We didn't talk for the next ten minutes [or that's what it seemed like]. Just three guys, silently sitting in the hot-tub with blank looks on our faces. When all of a sudden, this big ass group of black guys rolls up to the tub. We didn't want to look racist or anything so we stayed and tried to make small talk. We talked with these southern Snoop-dogs for about 30 minutes.To this day I still couldn't understand what in the fuck they were talking about. I think it had something to do with cock-fighting and fried chicken. But, what the hell, who knows? Well, we finally had to bid our African-american friends a fond fare-well, and we went back to our cabin. We didn't talk much for the rest of the night. Perhaps it was trying to decypher what the fuck those black dudes were telling us. Or maybe it was Arrhythmia's Leaf comment. But, we watched Cheaper By The Dozen like twice before finally falling asleep. God, I hate Bonnie Hunt.

Wow, We Are Fucktards...

2004-10-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Let us go back, way back to the year 2003. This is the year I met Pimp Meister. Now, I'm going to continue to use short, stalky sentences because I am, in fact, a lazy whore. Anyway, I met Pimp on a Carnival Cruise during the early summer and we became quick buddies. We hung out a bit after the cruise, then began doing it more and more. We then did everything together, I don't remember shit on what, but I do know we did a lot. Anyway, let's get back to what I was talking about.

Alright, I believe this was the last day I saw him of that year because my mom went psycho on his mother about being too lax on rules or some shit and basically banned me from seeing him. Oh well, jokes on her, [not really], I just recently started hanging out with him again. We are going to pwn those little kids on Halloween. *Burn!* Well, seeing as it was the last day, I might as well tell you what day it was...The Third of July. He was spending the night because I had to work on the fourth, [fuckin' Edwards *shakes fist*], and we decided to use the night as if it was truly the day we celebrate our liberation from Britain. Anywho, thinking we were cool kids and making bombs, we used some duct tape and taped a whole bunch of Piccolo Petes together [11] and lit them all simaltaneously and stood back to watch the show. Let's just say that shit was so loud that it was still making our ears ring when we covered them. We also taped up those spiny fireworks together, but they just caught fire...haha good thing too because we were running out of lighter fluid and the wind was picking up, screwing up our whole 'light and run' tactic.

So, everything is running smoothly, we use all the screamers up early on in the night so we didn't wake up my parents and activate their nazi mode, aka I GOTTA WAKE UP EARLY. After that, we used to little popper shits and hit each other like it was WWII and started lighting the other spinners that weren't attached via duct tape. So we just went apeshit for about two hours, doing random fireworks, till we arrived at the epitome of our fireworks pile, the firecrackers. This may not seem all that great, but they were the only illegals we had, so shove off...mashers.

We had a killer time with the bunch of them, lighting a string and watching the group explode, or tearing off individuals and letting them have their own personal parties. Well, this went on for a good while, and they weren't too loud, so we figured it was ok to continue. This is where we come to the bad idea of the night.

Around 11 o'clock, we finally get to our last firecracker. This wee little guy was just sitting there and we decided to blow his ass up, assuming afterwards we'd play on Pimp's PS2 that was promptly brought to my house. So, I grab the sucker and do what we did with the previous billion others and held it in my hand, precisely in between my thumb and pointer finger. I'm holding the sucker right in front of my face and Pimp lights it. Then comes the bad part. Now, you would think that a firecracker with a long wick would give you at least a 10 second period to throw it, well this one decided to be a rebel. As the flame hit the wick, it takes off, hitting the gunpowder not a half-second later. As it explodes inbetween my fingers, reactions occur. I blink, Pimp turns his head. Good move on my part, bad move on Pimp's...

When I blink, the force does not affect my eyes, but it does, in fact, affect my ears. I am now partially deaf. I hear a ringing like no other and can't tell what the fuck is happening. Pimp, on the otherhand, isn't partially deaf in both ears, just one. When he turned his head you see, he ended up putting his left ear directly in line of fire. Okay, imagine this, at the time I was 16, Pimp was 14, I believe, and we are both deaf in one way or another. How do you think we reacted?

Me "DUDE! WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?"
Pimp "WHAT!?"
Me "WHAT HAPPENED!"
Pimp "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN'T HEAR!"
Me [I was a little concerned about what time it was] "OKAY, WHAT TIME IS IT!?"
Pimp "WHAT?!"
Me "WHAT TIME IS IT!?"
Pimp "ELEVEN!"
Me "HUH...!?"
Pimp "ELEVENNNN!"

This went on for several seconds and then we decided that we were probably being too loud for the neighborhood and went inside, feeling defeated by that fucking little firecracker. PS2 action occured shortly after and our hearing eventually came back during the night. We had some firework action the day of the fourth, but it wasn't as eventful as the night prior. Overall, all I can say is that Pimp and I are officially fucking stupid, but then again, all my friends are...

Class Nut Shot 101

2004-10-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

Alright, you know how a few days back I disclosed the contents of my night at Jerry's, telling you all what happend, where I got hurt, and how excited I was? Well, this story will have a similar plot, but maybe not the same ending...

It started out like every other concert I had been to at Jerry's, standing in the dark, dank basement, waiting for the main bands to play. As I waited, I usually watched the local bands that play, some which are very talented and some that suck so hard, the shell could be ripped off an egg. Well, I just sat there, watching, getting really fucking bored because I wanted to see Scars of Tomorrow and I was watching fucking Hatchet and Annie. Nothing against them, but I paid for the main attraction, not the sideshow.

After about two hours, TWO FUCKING HOURS...., Nodes of Ranvier, one of the main bands, finally comes on the stage. I didn't know how they sounded, so I just sorta watched. I assumed they would be all emo and queer, but I was wrong. Emo and queer would have been funnier though. Well, after that Scars of Tomorrow came on and I was like "Fuck yea!!!" I got to sing into the mic and all that jazz, you know, standard shit. Well, to my surprise, after SoT, Caliban got on and began tearing that shit up. Forgetting to mention this beforehand, Diljner was with me the entire time and we fuckin' freaked when we saw Caliban.

Well, I thought it was going to be a pretty standard night after they got on, but, nope, I was wrong...again. At this time, I was standing away from the pit, seeing that I never was too particular to it with a huge ass fuckin' albino guy who was around 33 years old, throwing his weight around like he's Jarred from Subway BEFORE he lost all the weight. This guy would come out, get tapped by some other kid in the pit, and then freak out, push him as hard as he could and proceed to punch at him and then everyone else. I made sure I had at least on row of people in front of me. Stupid albino fag. Well, anyway, the band was playing it up, making the whole thing worth it, [just as SoT and NoR]. With only a few songs left, I thought to myself, "Wow, I got off scott-free, without an accident." Wrongo. Right after I think this, I'm standing there, watching the band with my body facing toward the pit, when...

...holy fucking shit...

*Crack*

[Look of pain]

I sorta just stand there, interpreting what just happend to me. I look down in utter disbelief as a very short, emo-ish looking girl, not an inch over 5'2", goes into the pit, does her little windmill thing, then does a spin kick...INTO MY RIGHT NUT! I begin wincing in pain as I feel it begin to do that tingle/shooting pain feeling from my hip to my right knee. It wasn't like normal pain when you get hit in the nuts, where you feel sick, wanting to throw up, as the pain jumps from your balls to your stomach to your throat. ...No, think growing pains. The following conversation occured:

Me "Dude, Diljner, I just got kicked in my right nut..."
Diljner [Begins laughing...hard]
Me [Looks around, sees hot girl to my right laughing, gay looking guy to my left laughing]
Diljner "You alright dude?"
Me [Look of pain] "I guess... The pain keeps going down my leg."

After that, I was hurting for a good hour and a half. I kept looking back at Diljner to show him the true face of pain. He now understands it...

Delays, Delays, MORE FUCKING DELAYS...

2004-10-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

ARG!

Well, I truly am sorry for the lax updating me and my fellow cohort have been producing. We met yesterday and discussed some new material and such. We're trying to get this thing as popular as we fucking can and WE HAVE A GREAT IDEA, but we need some of your help.

Remember:

Help us, more updates soon...

...and oh yea, I FUCKIN' RULE YOU!

Time Out For Pain

2004-10-14T01:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, school just got a shitload easier and I'll have more time to do the dirty.

Anywho, this won't be so much of a story as what happend tonight, because, well, it was noteworthy.

Remembering Never Set:
-Sang into the mic during 'Incisions'
-Moshed
-Forgot most of the lyrics...

The Black Dahlia Murder Set:
-Headbanged
-Sweated like a beast
-Threw water on crowd
-Grabbed singers hand, twice
-Moshed
-Sweated profusely [occured during the all of the last 3 sets]
-Elbowed in the throat [note: I got hit in the adams apple]

Terror Set:
-Moshed [here comes the real fun]
-Busted my lip
-Headbutted someone
-Elbowed in the nose
-Elbowed in the lip [same spot as before, loosened my tooth]
-Jumped on JR and Leafblower, forcing Leaf down several times
-Pushed and beat the living shit out of crowd as that...did it to me

Unearth Set:
-Sang parts for 'Failure'
-Moshed
-Got thrown around a lot and vice versa
-Got in the pit, punched/swung my fist into three people's backs
-Had a kickass time

Injuries:
Neck/back/lip/nose/forearm [bruise]/head

I think I got away pretty clean, but then again, when they come next year, I'll be waiting...

Ryan Assaults Emo-Fag With Tater-Tot

2004-10-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, I'm back. This is the "Ryan assaults emo-fag with a tater-tot" story I promised in my previous post. This little tale begins at lunch time. Leafblower, Ryan and I are sitting at our little area with a few other schmucks. Leaf and I notice that Ryan is in a bit of a testy mood. We can tell because he's wearing a depressed scowl on his face and he's not entertaining us. He was just sitting there munching on pop-tarts and shit. Noticing his odd behavior, Leaf and I decide it's best to leave him alone and not barrage his fat ass with insults such as: bitch-tits, Mama Cass, doughboy and a few others. So, lunch is coming to a close, seemingly without incident. Right as the bell is about to ring, some stupid fuck chucks a tater-tot at Ryan hitting him right above his left eye. It explodes all in his hair and eyebrows. Ryan fucking freaked. He grabbed one of Leaf's discarded tater tots, and ran over to the closest fucker in his radius. It just so happens that the person who caught Ryan's insane misdirected anger was a frail, little emo-kid.

You know the type, those trendy thick rimmed black glasses, a Dashboard Confessional t-shirt on, really thin. Ryan's face turns fire red as he storms over to this kid. With the tater-tot clenched in his fist, Ryan starts beating the shit out of this kids head. Emo-fag just stood there and took it. He had no idea what to think. He was completely stunned and unable to move. His eyes welled up with tears, and he simply said, in a faggish voice, "I didn't throw the tater-tot." At this point I'm in awe, I had no idea what to think. Then, Leaf and I do what we always do in those kind of situations. We laughed our fucking asses off. I caught up to Ryan after our next class after he'd cooled off a bit. I asked him why he assaulted emo-fag. I informed Ryan that emo-fag indeed, did not throw the tater-tot at him. He simply said, "Oh well, I hated that fag anyway."
[Classic]

Please God Hit Me! Hit Me! Hit Me! Hit Me...

2004-10-09T01:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, this story dates back to the time prior to "The Trip". I would have to say it was a good two months before it happend, say April. Now, being as it may, Leafblower and I were both still in High School, and we weren't much different then than we pretty much are now, except we now kick ass in college.

So, one day, Leaf and I decide to go to the mall. This was a normal visit because I always got out of school at noon everyday from school and usually coaxed Leaf to ditch English and come with me to the mall or wherever else we found suitable. Okay, jumping back to topic, we had ventured ourselves to the arcade, as usual, and played some King of Fighters 2001 [they had other kickass games like SNK vs. Capcom Chaos, but we love KOF too much]. So we play, and I don't particularly remember, but usually we ran into the random 'gamer' guy, who is usually some mexican/asian/middle eastern guy who has absolutely no life and decides to ruin our shit via KOF.

We ran into our usual frenzy of punching the screen or hitting the controls as hard as we could [by the way, don't ever do that to a game you love, sometimes it quits working...]. Doing these things only seemed to motivate the mexican/asian/middle eastern guy even more because he got to the 'douche bag' level of assholism and decides to pull no punches and destroy us mercilessly everytime we try to rematch. Let's just say we left pretty early that day.

As we are leavin' we start talking about our up and coming trip to Mexico for our senior trip. Leaf starts talking about the financial view of things [this was all before my mother decided to pay for his way]...

Leaf "I don't know how I'm going to get the money to pay for the trip..."
Me "Don't worry dude, we'll figure something out."
Leaf "..."
Me "I know, let's buy candy from the dollar store and then sell it around school for like a buck, because it only costs like fifty cents a bar at the store. We'll make a profit and you can make the trip."

We discuss the candy thing for a while...

Leaf "You know what, I should get hit by a car!"
Me [Incredible 'what the hell' look]
Leaf "Yea, that way I can sue the person who hit me and get enough money to go on the trip."

[Reminder - the trip was close to two months away, if he was hit, he may not have been able to recover in time....fuckin' douche bag]

Me "Dude, the trip is coming up soon, what if you don't recover?"
Leaf "I can go still go with injuries." [looks at me like I'm retarded, he's the one wanting to get hit by a fuckin' car]
Me "Hey, maybe it might work...[!]"

We walk out of the front entrance of the mall shortly after and are still chattin' it up about this whole 'let the car hit me' scheme. So as we cross the street and begin walking to my car, a beat ass black lady with a shitty car starts driving up. I swear, this lady beat as hell. Imagine seeing your most despised neighbor's cat, and as an act of hatred, beat the living hell out of it with a baseball bat. That is what her face looked like [more easily described as a 'crackwhore' face]. Anyway, this bitch isn't paying attention as we cross and as I notice her driving towards us, in fact not watching the road but something to her right, I stop and wait for her to pass. Leaf, on the other hand, doesn't notice shit and keeps walking.

Okay, you may ask "but Arrhythmia, why didn't you stop him?" I'll answer that question simply, I'm not his guardian and I figured he saw her; stupid me.

NO, he didn't get hit by the car. Just as he walked a step into the path of it, he saw her, tweaked out like a fuckin' crackhead and jumped back scared shitless.

Me "What the hell man! You could have got hit by her and got the money for the trip!"
Leaf "Did you see her, I wouldn't have been able to get anything from her."
Me "You would have been hit at the mall, you could have sued her and the mall dude."
Leaf "FUCK!"
Me [Confused look]
Leaf "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."
Me [Look continues]
Leaf "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIT BY THE CAR!!!"

I assume that Leaf came to the realization that the mall could have paid enough to support him for the rest of his life. He's not a stupid guy, just sometimes he catches on a little slow. We then had this little conversation blabbing about regret and the many different senarios of being hit by the car, like going through the windshield or flying over it, etc., etc., etc.

In the end, none of our ideas panned out, my mother paid for it as an act of sheer kickassery. Love ya mom!

By the way, Diljner and I have had the idea to possibly make T-shirts pertaining to the site if we gather enough funds. If any of you wish to help be a part of this, we'll gladly walk you through the process.

By the way people, please comment. No one comments and I'd rather have praise or anger through the comments page, just post as anonymous and leave your name within the comment. Thank you!

Escar-shit!

2004-10-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Ah, the memories... Well, here I am about to venture back to the days of "the trip." You all remember the trip, don't you? Good, here is the faithful story of when Leafblower, Diljner, and myself went to eat a nice dinner with my parents at the Four Winds dining hall. This was the second night that dinner was being served in the hall [The first night we skipped out and had some good 'ol pizza and french fries, and, oh yea, ice cream]. The reason we decided not to skip out on dinner this night was because it was formal night. Diljner and I dressed in our finest, black buttondowns, black slacks, nice ties, the whole nine yards. Leaf, being himself, decides to take a different approach. Picture this, hes sitting there with a nice, black dress shirt, tie, but one thing is off...his pants are fuckin' khaki colored dickies and he's wearing his converse. Only he could pull that off at a formal dinner.

So, we finally sit at our table after several minutes of waiting in our 'dress', and we are accompanied by my parents with another gentleman and his two daughters [one was pretty hot too]. We start talking, I am made fun of by the two girl's father because I said "you guyses", well I guess 'I' made a good impression [har fuckin' har]. After this fiasco, we receive our bread and the guys engulf it like we're garbage trucks. We order our food [it just so happend to be seafood night]. I order lobster tail and such goodies, while everyone else orders there stuff. Leaf decides to order the escargot [pronounced 'es-car-go'] and seems pretty mellow about it. None of us really notice that he ordered the edible snails [he's afraid of bugs, remember] and finally, the food arrives. We start eating, Leaf eats the items that came with the snails before taking a plunge into them. I have already eaten my lobster when he gets to the nastiness. This conversation follows:

Leaf [Takes snail and puts in mouth]
Me [Looks curiously and contemplates situation]
Leaf [Chews and chews, about to swallow when...]
Me "Hey [Leaf], don't you know those are snails!?"
Leaf [Disgruntled/sickened look, he beings to cough and spits up the snail] "Wha, ahh, what!?"
Me and Diljner [Laugh our asses into paralysis]

My mother interjects about how he would have been fine with them and eaten them perfectly if I hadn't done that...bah forget that, where's the fun when he doesn't know?

Following this brief conversation, Leaf decides that the plate is too much for him and that it can't even sit in front of him. My dad greatfully takes it from him and eats those snails along with his own escargot plate. I believe this is the first time Diljner had seen Leaf react to a 'bug' like that; I'm not sure though. For the rest of the dinner period, Leaf just seemed plain upset, thinking about what he had done and almost done [eaten a snail]. I mean, I've eaten cow tongue, but for being so afraid of measily 'ol bugs, he sure got that sucker further in him than I ever would.

Short secondary story:

While at the mall with my bud Mechanism[we were tryin' to find him some long sleeve shirts], this was spouted out of my mouth...

Me "Let's go to Macys!" [Twirls {I fuckin' twirl it *sigh*}bag with newly purchased jacket] "This is so gay..."
Mechanism [Laughs at my unfortunately queer statement]

That whole thing that I said was a complete mistake...

Meet Ryan

2004-10-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Let me describe to you, a person that Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I went to high school with. His name is Ryan. Ryan was the product of an obese, Jabba-the-hut of a mother, and one pussy of a dad. Well, for the longest time none of us really knew him. He’d just walk around campus, this goofy ass over weight guy wearing sandals [Yes sandals]. One day at lunch, Leaf spots him. This is how our conversation went.

Leaf “Isn’t that the webbed-feet motherfucker?”
Diljner “What’chu talking bout’ Leaf?
Leaf “Yeah, go ask him. He’s got webbed feet”
Diljner “I’ve never seen webbed feet before.”
Leaf “He wore fucking sandals all last year”
Diljner “Sandals? With webbed feet?”

[Laughing ensues]

So, we walk over to him. He sees us and gets this scared look on his face like we’re going to roll his fat ass.

Diljner “Hey, how are you doing? My names Diljner.
Leaf “My names not important.”
Ryan [In this first sentence, he speaks like a stuck-up older woman… very gay] Hello *raises eye-brow* I’m Ryan.”
Diljner [Holds back laughter]
Leaf “Hey, you have webbed feet right?”
Diljner [Fucking loses it] “HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Oddly enough, our query doesn’t offend him. The motherfucker actually takes off his sweaty ass shoe. [No socks by the way] He then presents to us, his foot.

Fearing the worst, I turned my head and winced. Then I hear Leaf doing his chuckle-laugh. I look down, and there it is, just as Leaf had promised. The fucker had webbed feet. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t even describe what I saw.

Leaf and I decided that this was in fact, the coolest mother-fucker we’ve ever met. We had lunch with him every day after that. He entertained the hell out of us. There are plenty of Ryan stories on the way. The only downside of hanging with Ryan was that he seemed to attract a lot of gay guys over to our area.

[Look forward to my next entry titled “Ryan assaults emo-fag with a tater-tot”]

Follow Up; Crutches with Stairs Equals No No

2004-10-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

As promised, I am going to put up the picture of Leafblower and The Fag. I found this picture after quite a bit of searching; it's a picture at our graduation.

Don't they make quite the couple?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Okay, this will probably be a shorter story, depending on my time.

Now, remember when you were young and you found something of interest and did something incredibly stupid using said object. Well, this is my story of me finding some crutches and then doing the most brilliant thing with them...you'll soon see.

When I was 8 or 9, my mother had hurt her ankle at her job and was given some crutches by her doctor. Well, a few months had gone by and she no longer needed the crutches. During this time of my life I was very curious and found the crutches to be somewhat entertaining. [Side note: I lived in a two story building] Well, my parent's room was upstairs with the crutches and my room was right next door. I grabbed the crutches and was playin with them, tryin to balance myself, seeing that I was about 2 feet shorter than I am now [6'1]. I walk myself on them to my room, back to my parent's room and *bam*, it hits me ...LETS TRY GOING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!! You can almost see it, I'm taking the crutches right to the first step, put one on the first step down and attempt to put the next one on the following step; big mistake. Since I am so short, I can't reach the next step and i find myself falling face first down 10 steps right into the wall. Thank you Jesus our staircase was broken off into two parts. There I was, face flattly planted into the wall, right below the window, crutches sorta lying there, and me, whimpering to myself trying not to move. The pain wasn't all that bad, but the embarrassment was. My parents were somewhere around and actually saw me. Whooops. Oh well, lesson learned right? Nope, I had another accident on that same stairwell, but I'll tell that one a little later.

Arrhythmia and Leafblower Discuss Possible Future

2004-10-02T01:16:00.000-07:00

Now, most of you know who I am, despite my surname and all, so you all pretty much know how I am in person. If you don't, I shall describe the wonder that is me: I'm annoying, pretty hyper, very eccentric, overly sarcastic, very short [sometimes while answering], sometimes boring, always random, and yes, even pretty. Now that you know, you shall understand why the proceeding conversation ...well, happened.

I read earlier that day about how the sun was an impending time bomb and was going to blow up soon [5 million years or so, which is complete bullshit...fuck you science], and when I saw Leaf, I decided that I'd ask him a few questions about his day and then go right into the difficult [logical] questions about Mr. Sun.*

[*Side note: We've actually had this conversation about three times. Ah, the repetitive nature that is friendship]

Me [Asks Leaf bullshit life questions]
Leaf [Answers]
Me "Say, did you know the sun is going to explode in like 5 million years?"
Leaf "Really?"
Me "Well, lets say that you got cryogenically frozen for 4,999,999 years and when you finally woke up, you wanted to have sex, but everyone was a fly?"
Leaf [Insert beastiality comment]
Me [Makes reference to Leaf being afraid of bugs {flies}] "Hahaha, remember Jeff Goldblum, who played the fly?"
Leaf [Makes shivery/disgusted sound that we make when we're grossed out] "Yea..."
Me "Welllllllllll, what if you got cryogenically frozen for 4,999,999 years, but one hour after you got frozen, Jeff Goldblum came on TV, announced that he was a hermaphrodite, and used his super army to kill everyone in the world. Then, after all that, he kills his super army and then has sex with himself to create another Jeff Goldblum to infinately create a race of hermaphrodite Jeff Goldblums! And, when you woke up, you wanted to have sex, but there was no one around but Jeff Goldblum?"
Leaf [Makes reference to how much he hates Jeff Goldblum and starts acting like he's been diseased by a rabid monkey] "I don't want to talk about the future anymore! I won't be around anyway!!"

You see, we have many conversations like this that have yet to be documented. I'd include the joke that was said too, but I don't want to offend anyone of a different race/sex/or whoever is just a pussy. Screw political correctness, it really is one sided ...usually the minority side. Oh well, that's just my opinion.

[Side note: I just realized Leaf owes me around 300 dollars. Crap, I really need the money...]

Leaf Attempts Parenthood, Fails Miserably

2004-09-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided to get off of my "lazy ass" and post another story. [Damn Arrhythmia breathing down my neck :D] This story takes place in Biloxi, Mississippi, on the air-force base there. This is right around the corner from where "Mr. Grasshopper" happened. After a hard day of water-skiing, eating pizza and playing FarCry, it's time for some sleep. We're freakin’ tired. Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I, are people who enjoy sleeping in. Morning time rolls around and each of us wakes up to an open handed smack in the fucking face. A limp, relatively unpainful slap. I thought I was being assaulted by geriatric homos. But, alas it was Arrhythmia's little nephew. We'll call him Tard-Baby. This baby is never unhappy. When I have a kid, I want it to behave like this one. He's always begging for hugs and shit. Well, Tard-Baby takes a particular liking to Leaf. Every time Tard-Baby tries to get Leaf's attention, he gets ignored. Leaf acts like the baby will give him flesh eating virus. Later that day, the three of us we're having some conversation before leaving. Tard-Baby sneaks up on Leaf for some huggins. Leaf freaks the hell out, he jumped away like he got cooties with a very stern face and started his weird ass chuckling again [He does it a lot and it’s like the only way he laughs]. I was half expecting Leaf to start throwing punches. The funny thing is, I think Tard-Baby could have taken him. So among the many things Leaf does not like, babies are up there with bugs I suppose.

I feel sorry for Leaf's future children.

"Daddy never hugged me!"

Atreyu4301: pretty short
sXeSicnessForevr: haha lazy fuck
sXeSicnessForevr: hahah
Atreyu4301: LMAO

Diljner Becomes Lazy Ass; Leafblower Encounters Fags [Again]

2004-09-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Diljner is being a sluggish, lazy bastard, so I don't really know when you'll see a new post from him, but most of you who read this because of my work I figure. So here you go, a new post from Arrhythmia!

This will probably be a quicker story than normal, seeing that Leafblower basically told it to me. No, I'm sorry, he saw it happen and wrote it down on some note cards [rolls eyes].

::Leaf's big story::

Two fags get on the bus; one looks like a wino. He has a tall can in a paper bag [beer]. The other is a youthful tattooed gangers looking fag.

This Is Their Story

Gangster Fag "We're going the wrong way!"
Wino Fag "Oh, just enjoy the ride."
GF "The last time you told me that I got AIDS!"
WF "Oh, shut up!"

Wino fag gets up and talks to the bus driver. He realizes they are on the wrong bus. As he gets off he tells his lover...

WF "Come on..."
GF "Don't tell me what to do!"
WF "Then stay on the bus and go to Foothill. You always do this to me in front of people..."

Lord that was a gay story. You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to unleash this plague of queerness onto you. And remember! Leaf wrote that, not me.

Leafblower Vs. The Fag

2004-09-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Lemme get into this story with a little bit of information coming from about 6 years back. A guy I knew, known distinctively as "The Fag", [aka TF], went to Jr. High [Warren] with me during my 7th grade year and the first half of my 8th grade year before transferring to Thompson Jr. High [supposedly]. Ok, well, in Jr. High, everyone basically made fun of him for being ...well, different, or should I say gay? Well, he always denied this, but there was always some sort of indication that he was, well, lying.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, TF transferred from some LA county school of Arts or some bullshit back to my school in Bakersfield. Well, I was sorta surprised to see him, seeing that I haven't seen him in close to 4 years. To tell you the truth, he sorta looked the same; same height, size, even the same queerness. I sorta felt bad for making fun of him all those years back, so I decided to talk to him. He had a lisp to his voice [seriously, I should have figured] and was all wavery like a fag.

Now let me get this one thing straight, when I say fag, I'm not trying to be rude to gay people, but he was seriously just that gay. I'll give you an example:

My friend Oigres is gay, he acts, talks, and does shit any other guy would do, except, he's attracted to men [*shivers*]. TF is different by this standard, he talks like a chick, he walks like a chick, he comments on stupid bullshit only girls would be offended by, and he just displays himself like a woman. There you have it, the difference between gay and fag.

Well after establishing a sort of communication with TF, he meets my very good friend, yes, you guessed it, Leafblower. Over the course of my senior year, I encountered, as well as heard several different meetings between Leaf and TF.

Encounter 1:
TF [Walks up to area where Leaf and others are sitting and gets bombarded by insult after insult]
Leaf [Makes fun of TF again]
TF [Angry, faggish voice] "Sometimes, I just wish I could set people on fire with my mind!!!"
Leaf "Then we'd all be flamers dude?!"

Encounter 2:
TF was explaining to us the fundamentals of being gay, like his sex life. I didn't know it was possible for someone who looks like him to have a sex life.
Leaf "So TF, when you're doing ...that ...what position do you play?"
TF "I do a little of both, pitching and catching."
Leaf & Arrhythmia [Stare in disbelief and start laughing uncomfortably, that's some nasty shit]

Encounter 3:
Leaf was walking down the hall when he sees TF across the way.
Leaf [Raises hand to wave] "Hey TF!"
TF [In most feminine and lispy of voice] "Hey you!" [As he says this, he flicks his wrist in the usual fashion]
After doing this, Leaf decides to bust a nut laughing and tell everyone he knows, including me ...twice.

Encounter 4:
Leaf "TF, you're such a fag."

Never in my life have I seen such hostility and hilarity from two people meeting and conversing. Hey, you never know, maybe these two were meant for each other [sorry Leaf {Laughs}].

[**We had one other encounter at our graduation, but all we did was say hi and take a picture. When I actually find this picture, I'll make sure to post it. Also, you may have seen TF on television, he was on the Doctor Phil show...I feel bad for him, he's had a rough life**]

P.S.: Atreyu4301: I hated [TF]. {That's Diljner}

Leafblower and Arrhythmia Venture Into 'Gang Territory'

2004-09-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

Right-o, here we go. Leafblower and I had taken a trip, a trip to Bakersfield College some five months a go, (by the way, this was our first time going). BC is a community college some thirty minutes away from where I live. Now, when I go to BC, it takes a lot of patience, seeing that there are several different routes you can take to get there. Eventually though, you seem to always end up on the 178, (excluding if you take 7th Standard).

Okay, we took the thirty minute trip up there and got lost because Leaf was confident in his "sure-fire directions". These directions actually got us goin’ the wrong way [insert smartass remark here]. Finally, after thirty more minutes of searching, Leaf and I arrive at BC to take our assessment test. This test was to see where we would land in the English/Math/Reading sections of the school, or basically to see if high school taught us nothing. We figured we did pretty well and after wising up to Leaf's directions idea, I decide to find my own way home. I went and thought I would take Haley; that would soon make itself clear that that was a bad choice of reason.

It is now around 8 or 9 at night and it's getting pretty dark, so, me, in my infinite wisdom decide to drive down the road with my windows down and my music blaring. [*Side note: I'm on the East side, don't EVER do that on the East side when listening to metal/hardcore/whatever; they don't like it]. So I'm heading South on Haley, I didn't really know that you could get on the 178 West at the intersection, being new to the area and all, so I proceed forth taking Haley as it turned West. When we turn west, the road turns sorta hilly and we start passing all these old and dirty houses and like gas stations. All of a sudden Leaf decides to freak ...

Leaf "Oh shit! This is the Loooma territory!"
Me "The what territory?" [He said it in that terrifying way that you see in horror films, and the way he emphasized and exaggerated it into a long drawn out "Loooooma" scared me even more ...]
Leaf "The Loma territory!"
[*Side note: Loma means hills in Spanish]
Me "What the hell are the Loma?"
Leaf "It's a gang around here, I would know, I used to live around this area ..."
Me "Holy shit!"

I then decide that music was going to go "bye-bye" and I shut off my radio the second I heard the news. I then went on to roll up my window; Leaf followed suit. Leaf then decided to bombard me with a story about the area. I was already tweakin' out because, well, if you couldn't tell, I'm not a fan of the 'gang-area'. He decided to tell me this:

Leaf "This guy was driving down this road, right around where we are with his windows down, when all of a sudden this guy jumps in through his window WHILE THE VEHICLE WAS MOVING, stabs him and then throws him out of the car and takes it."
[**I don't know if that's exactly what he said, but it’s the essence of it**]

With Leaf's new told story and my new found terror, I drive as quickly as I can without driving too fast over the speed limit like a gremlin on crack. I'm lookin' this-a-way and that-a-way, spottin' Mexican after Mexican, [reminder, it is dark], and wondering to myself "Is he a Loma ...!" We finally make it to Niles and I have no clue in hell where I am, so I flip a U and take myself back to Columbus with the same twitchy eye thing goin' on. My only thought was "Why did he even have to tell me that!"

Finally we make it back to Mount Vernon and I take the 178 West home. I'm so shaken up by this that I sorta just daze out. I don't remember much of the rest of the night. Needless to say, I don't go that way anymore when I'm leaving from BC. Sure I'll take Haley, but screw the westward shift in the street; it's the 178 from now on.

One good thing did come out of it though, I tested into English B1A, the highest reading course, (Reading 6 I believe), and Math Analysis, even though I took it already. Leaf did well too.

Well, that's it ...Leaf and I survived our trip to the 'gang territory'. Sadly, we acted like babies the whole time we were in it.

Leafblower Busts a Move; Pre-teen Retards Get Their Shit Ruined...

2004-09-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

If ever in our stories you hear us speak of "The Trip", we're referring to the summer vacation the three of us took to New Orleans, Mexico, Mississippi and some southern fucking back-water, tobacco chewing part of Louisiana where we did a swamp tour. This particular story takes place on the cruise ship. Now, Carnival Cruise Lines are very accommodating to their patrons, they hold Limbo tournaments, a 24/7 food court, an arcade, and even this marginally-cool disco. Now, from reading the schedule list of upcoming events that was placed in our room each morning by Wayne, (Who was the shit by the way), we learned of the disco. We were tossing around the idea of going, knowing full well it would be absolutely permeated with 12 year old retards and tons of fucking washed-out, overplayed rap music. "Well, fuck it lets go anyways", we said. So, we suit up in our pimp-gear and stroll down to the disco. What did we see? Pre-teens, and lots of ‘em. There was this little group of preenie sluts dancing for all to see. You know the kind, scantily clad little cretins *freak-dancing*. Leafblower, Arrhythmia, and I were laughing at this. There were some girls close to our age in there. These girls, none of us, (and when I say none of us, I mean Arrhythmia and I, Leaf would have banged the fuck out of them) would have touched with a 10 foot pole. I think they had the clap, because there was this smell in the air that wasn't refreshing.

Anyway, we sit down on some of the couches they have set up towards the front of the establishment, away from the dance floor. That particular night didn't look like it was going to get interesting. As the minutes go by, the place starts filling up with marginally good-looking girls, and their douche-bag boyfriends, the whole she-bang. Arrhythmia and I start daring Leaf to go out and start dancing with some of the girlies. Now, if you've read the "First Official Story" then you know what we dealt with trying to get Leaf to get out there and shake his ass. Finally, he agrees to dance the dance of the Leafblower. As we watch, he walks out there, kind of shy like, he then proceeds to "get with it". Leaf, in all actuality, can cut a fucking rug. After dancing for a few minutes, it no longer holds Leaf's attention. He comes over and sits back down. So, there we are, sitting again, breathing the Diseased Vaginal cigarette-smoke air when we notice a group of children sitting on the couches caddy-corner to our own. The males in the group had slim-shady type apparel on, and I would assume, fashioned themselves bad-asses due to the cocky scowl they sported on their fucked up mugs and the Marlboro reds hanging from their mouths that they stole from their dads. The girls were none the better, run-of-the-mill little sluts... I blame their parents. Anyway, they were passing around an oddly shaped bottle filled with blue liquid, sipping on it. This puzzled me, because usually alcoholic beverages come in glass bottles, and do not say “Scope Mouth-Rinse” on them. Our conversation went something like this...

Diljner “What the hell do they think they're doing?”
Leaf “Is that fucking mouth wash?” [Does funny fucking chuckle laugh]
Arrhythmia “Hahahahaha ...God damn tards.”
Diljner “We should get a security guard or some shit ...These little fucks can't be downing Scope in here.”

[Mutual agreement]

Well, it turns out these little shits had made some enemies prior to our encounter with them. These "friends" of theirs had already alerted Cruise Security. In comes the biggest African I've ever seen. He grabs one of the would-be ‘Eminems’ by the arms and yanks their punk asses out of the seat. We were laughing so fucking hard. The guard makes it a point to make sure everybody knows what’s going on. Everybody's attention is on this little rag-tag group of future fuck-offs. Needless to say ...the big black guy wiped the fucking smug look off of their faces. I though they were going to cry. Anyway, he confiscates their "Alcohol" and takes them all out of the disco and to an undisclosed area of the ship. We left the disco feeling our night was complete. We then went to the "Lido Deck" and ate some pizza and fries and called it a night.

In hind-sight... the night was perfect, Leaf busted a move... and the pre-teen retards got their shit ruined by the giant African, and the food was exceptional.

[Side note: Look forward to my next entry titled ...."The Hot-tub Incident", in which I will collaborate with Arrhythmia…]

Mr. Grasshopper

2004-09-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

In the last post, Diljner described Leafblower's painful encounter with the wall at our hotel room. Well, I have a different story that has pretty much to do with the same thing as before...

...bugs.

Now, me, Diljner, and Leafblower had come with my parents on a cruise a few weeks into June as a sort of Senior Trip. After our little escapade on the ship, we all visited my sister and brother-in-law at the Boluxi, Mississippi, US Air Force base. The guys decided to stay the night at my sister's house the first night while my parents stayed at some on-site motel. After being awaken by my nephew the following day, we all decided that we would sleep in the room opposite of my parents the next night.

We all had a good night sleep, staying up till about 3 a.m. seeing as we were all excited about going home the next day. The next morning, we all got up, packed our shit, and took it out to our rent-a-car, which wasn't a car at all, but rather a bulky ass SUV. As we are packing our shit in the trunk, when I notice a noise, sort of like that of a cricket. The boys and I find the bug not two seconds later and Leaf decides to try to capture the sucker, despite it being a bug. I thought this odd so I decided to ask him what was up ...

Me "Dude, I thought you were afraid of bugs, why are you trying to catch it?"
Leaf "Oh, it's a cricket. If I just try to catch it, it doesn't bug me."

I had thought this to be odd, so I look at the bug and concluded that it was, in fact, not a cricket, but a grasshopper. Me, thinking nothing of it, decide to tell Leaf of his misjudgement of the type of bug it was.

Me "Um ....Leaf, that's not a cricket, thats a grasshopper..."
Leaf "What?!" [Leaf backs away from the trunk of the SUV, then starts to do some wierd ass chuckle]
Me "What's the big deal? It's just a grasshopper ...hell, you even tried to grab it when you thought it was a cricket."
Leaf [A little freaked out] "A GRASSHOPPER IS NOT THE SAME AS A CRICKET!!"
Me [Creates a puzzled look, then forwards attention to Diljner for his response]
Leaf "Yea, grasshoppers are more green and all slick."

After this, I try to capture the tiny invader and it jumps onto the back window. Leaf and Diljner are just sorta standing there and I decide to go to the outside of the window and flick right where the grasshopper is. *flick* The hopper flies from its position and lands right on Leaf's left shoulder.

Leaf [Screams like a ten year old girl, literally like a ten year old girl with an extremely shrill voice]
Diljner & Me [Stare for a second and bust our nuts laughing]

As soon as Leaf screamed, he knocked the hopper off and it falls on the ground and he pummels it into oblivion; fucking oblivion. Imagine this, bugs have exoskeletons, eyes, legs, feelers, guts, and all sorts of other assorted goodies. Well the scene of it was this: the grasshopper was a neonish green, well the blob on the ground was that color, but nothing else resembled a fuckin' grasshopper. Excuse me while I say "what the fuck?" I mean, there was no sign of the previously mentioned items. No scrunchy exoskeleton, no legs, not even fucking guts. It was like a chunky, thick, green blob of goo.

Way to go Leaf, you decimated a fuckin 3 centimeter insect. Feel proud, feel really proud.

As an extra goody:
This one is short. Leaf and I were in my truck, turning at the White Lane/Old River intersection. As we were waiting for the light to turn green, a moth flew into my truck, seeing as we keep our windows down all the time. It flutters around and I hear Leaf grunt a little bit. When I look over, Leaf is swatting at the air and going "Uhhh. Ughhghghhhhhh. Uh!". Then I see the moth and he's freakin' out in his usual manner. Then it flies by me and he swats and fuckin' hits me in the head right as the light turns green. This isn't just a hit, its a fuckin' SLAP! I then try to knock the little bastard out the door and finally do it successfully shortly after my first attempt, unlike my uncoordinated friend. When asking him why he was freaking out over a moth, (because this was the first time I saw him react to a bug like that), he said:

Leaf "Cause it has all that powdery stuff on it!!!"

...*sigh*

Sweet Dreams Little Leafblower

2004-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Let me start off this story by telling you another… Leafblower does not like bugs. When I say he does not like bugs, I mean he is deathly afraid of insects of any kind. He’ll jump out of a moving vehicle if there happens to be a bug flying about in it. On the 4th of July, Arrhythmia, Leafblower and I are at the Texaco putting gas in Arrhythmia’s truck. Leaf and I are sitting outside the truck while our companion is in the store. A few moments into some random conversation about lesbians or whatever it was we were talking about, I notice this big-assed june bug on the ground. I quickly dismissed the thought of throwing it on Leaf. Although hilarity would surely ensue, my conscience wouldn’t let me, for a while anyway. As Arrhythmia was walking out of the store I decide to go for it. I pick up the june bug, make sure Leaf sees it, and start chasing his ass with it; he fucking freaked. He took off running and threw his cap at me shattering his American Flag lapel pin he was sporting on the bill. He was pissed, but Arrhythmia and I got a kick out of it. Now I told that little story to tell this one.

On the trip us 3 amigos took to New Orleans, we were staying in the Best-Western hotel near the airport, there are two beds to a room. Leaf and I shared a room, and Arrhythmia was supposed to take the extra bed in his parent’s room, this did not go down well. So Leaf, being the good friend that he is, agrees to bunk up with him. I got a bed to myself, there was no debate in it, for the simple fact that I slept on the floor the first night there, (a whole different story). Anyways about two hours after the sleeping arrangements were made, Leaf was sound asleep. Arrhythmia and I are always up late so we’re watching some TV. Half way into our show we hear some mumbling from Leaf’s side of the bed. We turn on the light and look over, and Leaf is mumbling to himself (he’s asleep by the way). As we watch him, I kid you not, he screams out "bugs!" and about four seconds later, catapults himself four feet off the bed, right into the wall. Now, there is about a 1 and ½ foot gap between their bed and the wall. So after hitting the wall, he then falls into the crack and gets stuck. We rush over and peer down to see if he’s okay. He’s all twisted up and cramped into a little space. We were laughing so hard, I thought I was going to vomit. We helped our disturbed little friend out of his hole and proceeded to ask him what the hell he was doing. He muttered, “I was dreaming about bugs, and went back to sleep. Arrhythmia and I laughed so damn hard for two days proceeding that. To this very day, when asked about this, Leaf-blower denies everything, he claims not to remember, but we were there, we know what happened, and now all of you do too.

The Lesbian Crisis

2004-09-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

As it stands, this is officially the first post for this blog, so I'll start you beautiful people off with a teaser as well as a pleaser.

Now, me and my buds live in Bakersfield, California. In Bako, there is a little outdoor plaza called "The MarketPlace". We were sitting over by the Blockbuster, Starbucks, and some other food joints with a few of my friends when Leafblower notices two girls, who, in a rare moment of blissful beauty, were holding hands and making coo faces like they were about to pounce on each other and create some sort of lesbian porno.

[Side Note: They were both blonde]

After this defining moment, Leaf decides that when they leave the Mexican establishment they entered to buy food, that he was going to talk to them. Well, knowing me and Diljner, we egg his ass on as much as possible to do it. He seemed to lose his balls right after he stated his intentions.

Minutes went by, the lesbos got their food and went outside to eat and sat about two tables away from us. Leaf continued his bullshit by pussing out on his mission. This moved from something he would do to a complete dare. Dare or not, this fucker didn't seem like he was going to pull through for the 'ol team. I decided I didn't want to wait anymore and after saying "go talk to those lesbians" real loud, the situation seemed to get even more frustrating. He apparently thought they heard me say that cause they "looked toward us". Well, that's what he said at least. Moments later, I proceded with daring him.

Me "I dare you, no wait, I double dog dare you, eh, I'll TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!"
Leaf [Laughs his stupid laugh] "This isn't fuckin' A Christmas Story."
Me "Whatever, just go do it."

We exchanged a few more words, but nothing substantial enough to change the fact he was pussing out. By this point, he seemed sure that he lost his balls entirely...

Leaf "I think my balls have gone into my stomach and turned into ovaries..."

This made us all crack up and...Jesus, he admited to being a woman, what a fag. Cutting this down just a tad, Leaf finally got up to talk to the lesbos as they were throwing away their remains and leaving. This is what was said:

Leaf "You guys are hot!"
Lesbos "Thank you..."[awkward looks]
Leaf [Returns to table]
Me "Whadya say?!"
Leaf "You guys are hot."
[Diljner and I are cracking up]
Me "That's it?! That's all you said? You suck ass dude."
[This continues for a few more seconds, lesbos start to leave area]
Leaf "Bye!"
Lesbos "Bye..."[awkward looks, yet again]

The conversation after that seemed to go downhill. We just couldn't get over the sheer queerness of Leaf. He seriously didn't pull through as promised. Diljner went home and Leaf went home with me. Night ended and we all had our laughs.

Haha mother fuckers...

By the way, 20 minutes before the lesbos arrived, Leaf was rolling up his sleeves and tucking the bottom of his shirt in his collar with a pink comb stuck in his carpet-like hair. Now do you see why I question his sexuality sometimes? *sigh*

Leafblower Blog

2004-09-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

This is a blog a buddy of mine [Arrhythmia] and I decided to create for the simple purpose of sharing our crazy and bizarre moments with our mutual friend... we'll call him Leafblower.

Expect entries soon.

We mean very soon.

[Warning - This blog will display explicit material and may be unsuitable for some pussies out there] {an original Arrhytmia edit ;D}

-=You have been warned=-